Bad Habits

 

I’m a good Girl with a lot of Bad Habits……….

Good Moring! who made the coffee?  My pepsi is not cutting it right now … Anyway I was thinking about patterns, they are everywhere, and they are what we call habit,  once something is a habit, it is had to break, because we, Simply put, it has become a habit.  I have a few habits I need to break, and chance are WILL on my vacation, but that does not take into account I will have withdrawals to.  Last year I went up north, it was for 17 days, it was a LONG vacation, But I was not working and so it was feasible, but day4 or 5 I had a twitch in my eye from lack of internet.  By the 8th or 9th day, I would sit in my chair (this was a chair that had to be within 1 inch of the original position to get weak signal on my blackberry) and look out at the Woods and see bars holding me back from my Real life,  the one I lived on the Internet, chatting to friends,  bantering, and listening to music.  That chair was moved once….. I sat down in it and it took me an hour to find My signal again….. It was not moved again, EVER.  I am happy people learned the first time to cope with my slight addiction to the internet 

While I was Up North (anyplace that is north of you in Michigan is known as “Up North”)  I also had My lap top, Which I do plan on bringing with me this year to write Poetry, Blogs etc for when I am back to post,  But I also had a “In” 2 friends up there DID have Internet. One owned a bar and the other Lived across the lake. Thank you god for friends with Bennies ha ha, So I was able to squeeze in some time online on occasion.

Last year I was actually quite attached to someone,  and for the first week, they were always waiting on skype for me at night so we could chat a bit while I sat In my chair, in the middle of the woods, and get updates on things going on.  after that Initial 7 days, the shiny wore off, I was disconnected from so many things, all I could hear was wind, the sound of random wild life walking through the woods and the screams In my head that were getting pretty Violent if you ask me.  I was next to miserable, It is like taking crack cocaine away from a Fein and then when you finally get back, the dealer has left town………I am not saying being  addicted to the Internet, Games, or anything for that matter is healthy, It is Not, But this is my release, it is my place to unwind, it is my well for all purposes it is my second life.  I live it out in text, writing blogs and In IMs, chatting on skype and updating my facebook,Flickr and Liking videos on Youtube, Add Empire avenue and you have a well rounded me.

It is almost that time again, this year I knocked off 6 days, I am down to 11 away from home, In the woods, with nothing but me and My chair, and Hopefully a weak connection, since as of yesterday I Upgraded my phone to the HTC EVO (It went on sale for 99 dollars, I mean really how can you say NO). So I am sure that by day 4 I am going to be in hyper bitch mode, but covering it up for my sons sake….. again.

The difference this year is I have Noone that I am really connected to, at least like I was last year, and noone feels the need to talk to me Everyday,  Noone has promised me the moon and stars, only to end up using them to pelt me and leave scars later.  I am alone, I am a individual with many friends, but noone to tether me to my chair. I am in the wonderful world Of singledom. 

Being single does Not mean I have no life, it only means I have more choices, It gives me the unlimited time to do whatever I want, But it does come with one drawback  and that is being alone.  When someone is with you, You have constant knowledge that someone's there.  That is the benefit for having someone, is your Never alone, even when they are not there, they are in you thoughts, your mind and your heart.  It is something that I do miss, but something I can most certainly live without for the pure reason that I usually get screwed in the end regardless how wonderful they seem to begin with.

The last few days I have spent with a friend who has been through a lot lately, emotionally he is pretty tore up.  Last night, I was up late because I did not even notice the time, and he apologized knowing I had stated when I needed to leave and , Well it was past that time… But ultimately he needed a friend, someone with no baggage, and someone who could take his mind of all the crap that has Piled  up on him over the last few weeks.  My one good trait, I am the perfect Get a way, I can make you forgot even if just for a few hours, But at the same time, I am the one who gets tagged as the Future for them… It is because they share,  they  feel safe and well, I listen, I comprehend, and I say witty things to make them smile even when they don’t want to.  So I come across as the perfect friend with benefits. 

I am not saying I am not the perfect friend, Well No, No one really is, but between my personality, caring nature and sweet temperament, they do see their “Options”.   Once you start spending time with a Person, it becomes habit, and habits become addiction, and out of addiction it becomes an emotional roller coaster of good and bad,  I of course left this out of our conversation last night,  due to his fragile state, No need to add to his already messed up Psyche. 

Bottom Line is, Breaking habits is easier if you don’t start them, but then some habits are Healthy,  I personally need to eat more whole grain (Laughs) and the one habit I will never give up, Ok 2, because  I am just to damn hard headed is my internet and people,.  No I may not have anyone, but that does not mean, I have NOONE, it just means I have not chosen to  be attached,  I have plenty of people  who, If I choose to, would spend every waking moment with me .  I am the type to see where things lead, instead of jump in No need to rush,  Just go with it  , Last Night I was given a beautiful gift, one that I will cherish always, It still means the same, regardless of the status of our relationship.  It is the thought that counts, and well, he was definitely making a statement , which I adore him for.   As far as where it will lead, Well, I will let time tell me who wins in the end, and being gone for 11 days usually weeds out the Bull shit.

As I gear up to go up north, I have the lets see where things go, usually after an absence, people change, they tend to move on and no longer need you, but one thing that will Not change,  MY Habits,  My Need for the Internet, my drug of choice, which come in a few  different speeds. My connection to all the people I care about, and  the way I can share My poetry, My thoughts and Well My Bitches,,, and thank you to those last year that filled my nights with a Virtual Hug, a long email, or an hour chatting in IM about everything and Nothing, and Also thank you in advance to those that  feel the need to keep in touch, the ones that stand by me, and don’t let me go crazy in my wooded jungle of no internet connections and A Lot of Bugs.