So its been a while since I really wrote a heart felt blog. I read one today, It was a masterpiece, well written and complimented the authors skills more than I can describe in one sentence. Most of my writing is pretty playful, Not very deep, an easy read, Whereas my poetry is a bit emo at times and tears at your heart strings, a bit dark and depressing. My topic today is my social standing, My inability to connect and my guard against any and all emotional ties which may bind me. The invisible ones you get to another, the ones that make your heart leap when you see them, the smiles that rest upon your face, the fleeting moments of happiness when they enter your thoughts.
We have all had a moment of weakness, where at that moment all we want is for happiness of another, even if it means letting them go. It is called sanity, or maybe reality… it could be both. I have a hard time letting myself fall, I fear disappointment, and I run. maybe not physically, but emotionally I do. I get quiet, reserved and distant. I have to feel the other person out, figuratively speaking, See what they want, need, feel and see, make sure I am who can fulfill those needs, if my wall is already up, the let down does not hurt half as bad. Disappointment is something we all have to conqour at some point or another, it is the levels of the pain that differs emotionally.
Someone told me the other day “Maybe you feel this way because we have not talked as much”. I replied no, It has nothing to do with the amount of conversation, It has to do with the connection, the state of relaxation, the whole package. If for whatever reason If feel as if my heart is in jeopardy at any point, It will close, I will be there but emotionally untied. I have no issues with accepting defeat, but to aid my own sanity, I will lesson the blow at all costs before the ax comes down. They proceeded to say “what if my foot is in the door and you cannot close it”? That is highly doubtful. At this point and time, I have already shut the door before you even knew there was one, In order for it to open again, to regain the trust, the calmness, the ease that was once there will now be tiwce as hard. It is simple really. At least to me.
Another friend asked me why I was single, since it simply HAD to be my choice. *Smiles* Well I guess it is, because when you have had a very good relationship before to compare the others to, if your not on your best game, all the others fall to the side. I don’t waste my time on promises in the dark, Shadows in the corner and whispers in the night. I will in fact give one hun if it is returned.
I was in a long term relationship with someone, who no one understood why, it was hard on me, since a lot of people did not see what I saw in him. They classified him as arrogant, odd, and well other things I would rather not say. Although we were polar opposites we both tried putting one hundred in, even though it was an Epic fail it was a lesson learned, and I grew from knowing him. On occasion when I see things he gave me, I smile now, because I know I am who I am because of what we shared. He will always be my past, and I will hold onto that, for it was a lesson I will never quite forget.
Then there is the new people, those that waltz in, see me and think, Oh, she is an easy catch. Most leave before they even get to know my favorite songs, hear any funny stories or learn I am more than blonde hair with god given breasts that most people pay for. I have a secret, Taught to me by a mentioned above, Logic wins over emotions any day. Logically if you do not deserve to have my heart, you do not get it. It is not set out to take, love is earned, it is a mutual respect and it is something that should be shared, but only in a perfect world. Have I loved someone that did not love me? Yes, I have, as we all have. Those feelings are true, just as much as if it was shared, but let us not debate the fact, that one=sided love is a waste of time if it is not going to be reciprocated. No emotion you feel is wrong, and every feeling we have is a blessing of some sorts, even pain, without pain we would not appreciate the happiness once we find it.
In closing, all I am trying to say Is, I may stand cold, sound callous seem to be distant, but the fact is, I am my poetry, every written word, it is my thought's, my feelings and dreams. It may be about a song, a person, a fleeting glimpse of reality or just my state of mind for that 20 minutes. If those that had already been allowed into my heart, knew they would lose it, would they have even tried to get in? I think most are in for the moment, the race of energy, the benefits and the quest so to speak. Others, well maybe they are here to say, only time will tell. I believe in redemption, and I believe in people, I think there is good in all of us, we just have to believe in ourselves first before we can help others. So this is my heart, Please handle with care.
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