You Suck

If you think this poem is about you,

You could not be further from Right,

It is entirely about me,

and my will to Fight,

It is about the classic Moments,

The ones that I made,

But as time slips away,

Memories also fade,

It is about perseverance,

and the strength from within,

It is about keeping your word,

Not willing to commit sin,

It is about making a promise,

About making a Pact,

It is about walking away,

Never Looking back,

It is about finding yourself,

In a world of Mirrors,

It is about standing Up,

and forgetting your fears,

It is about meeting people,

By chance or by luck,

It is about accepting the fact,

That you really suck

 

Casualties of Life

 

We all have a catastrophe  of sorts, For some it is the Inevitable Bad hair bad, Others waking up WAY after the alarm, and others,  Well Everyday just making it work.

We all have our demons, it is how we handle our selves in the moment that count.  Standing in line you are running late for work and the 3 people in front of you are the enemy in line… Right?  Gah I HATE that,  But I also know No ones life revolves around me ether.  Except for my sons, Or is that the other way around?  Anyway,  you getting up late may be a small piece crap compared to the lady 2 people ahead of you counting her change to get gas because her mom is in the hospital, Or the guy right in front of you who has been out of work for a year and praying he makes it to the interview of a minimums wage job on time.  As you toss your money at the attendant, who has 3 kids, used to be a white collar worker but choose to work at minimum wage than let his family suffer, You are your own enemy.   Pushing open the door you pass a girl, who is obviously having a good hair day,  To bad you did not realize she is heading to a funeral for her best friend, who committed suicide over a failed marriage and to trump that, she was pregnant also.  Yes, you are your own black cloud. 

Shoving the pump into your tank,  Your foot tapping, a older man passes you, smiles and continues to walk, you manage a half ass smile watching the gallons fill the tank slowly,  Why is he so happy?  He is in his own way celebrating his anniversary, with his wife today where she is, the cemetery. 

We really should all have tag Lines

“Lost My Mom today”

“Just had my heart broke by someone whom I trusted”

“Lost my dog”

“Struggling to support my family/children”

“Just needs someone to listen”

“Could really Use a Hug”

“Wishes I could tell someone how I really Feel”

“Believes in angels but is missing mine”

Why are we so Engulfed in our own bullshit and are completely unaware there is a world of people out there that need even just a small moment, a smile, just help.

I remember being at a gas station, a woman was getting gas a few years back,  She was upset, I am not sure why, I have no clue really.  I had never seen her, Nor have I since, But the moment I passed by her, handed her a Gas station rose and a snicker bar the look on her face was Priceless.  Thinking about it now makes me smile, because I know that One small gesture meant the world to her.  Ok she was heaving as she pumped her gas it was apparent, But a lot of us don’t show what we are Really feeling, we harbor and hide it, I know most men will do hand stands before showing any emotion, especially if it cues in the word Weak…

Next time you get up, your late, Tank is on E and your just having a “Bad” day, STOP.. Look in the mirror for 30 Seconds and tell your self how lucky you are to have a reason to be up at that Hour, that you have a car to drive to work, and the fact that your life in comparison even on a curve is not that hella Bad.

True Love

 

In the darkness of the night is when those with heavy hearts, with regrets with a lost passion find the moments unbearable.  We lay listless,and with to many thoughts in our head, as if there is a hamster on speed running and running over and over again but getting nowhere.  We pick moments apart, wonder why, where it could have changed and how it can be fixed.  But sometimes it is not that it is broken, it is just that we are hurt.  Time is both a blessing and a curse at this moment, For time rushes for no one, but in time our thoughts will dwindle to concentrate on other things. 

Once in a while a glimmer of hope may happen, but not always does it pay off, Sometimes it becomes the old standby of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.  We must accept defeat at some point, but only  after we have done every thing in our power to rectify the situation within our grasp.  On the other hand, you cannot force another to do the same. 

While truly loving someone enough to let go, One must also accept that when you do care about someone, it is Not the reciprocal that matters, It is in the others happiness that matters.  In that is where the demons of the night sneak in, because at this time is when your alone, and even if it is a warm summers night, Our heart feels cold and empty at times.  We must let our delusion of Grandeur go, Our hopes for future smiles,  our thoughts of one more hug, Kiss or chance. 

It is not always easy but it is the right choice, and let their happiness continue on, with or without you.  It seems bleak, yes, But once again, as much as those hours seem to go slowly in the night, It is in time that we will see a difference, and rejoice in their smiles, even if from afar.  It is smiling at their successes,  Believing in them, even when they do not believe in themselves, It is keeping them in your heart, even if you are not in theirs.

True love is not always a love story or a romance novel, it is sometimes more like a comic book or a old war movie.  There is No rights or wrongs in love, for love overcomes all, even in the moments where you are sure there is no hope, your heart will carry out your wishes, your hopes and dreams for them. 

In my small years of living, there is one thing I am sure of, it is that when those moments of sleeplessness hit, When I am playing it out in my mind, when I am reaching for answers in a star filled night, it is then, My heart has decided to carry on, with them, even if they do not know. 

True love is not a word, it is an action, and expression and the one thing you cannot part with, for it is embedded in your heart and soul.

Someday

 

I will let you go, I will let you carry on your life,

I will cope with my own,  deal with my own strife,

Hopes and dreams crushed, Tossed along the way

Past memories left in snapshots, no words left to say

Cold shoulders, empty rooms, all part of the plan,

silent regrets, miscommunications, but nothing to understand

Whispers in the night, Call out in the darkness inside,

Head against pillow, No one to confide,  it was then I cried,

I cried for yesterday, and then again for the day after,

My head filled with sorrow, missing the smiles and Laughter,

It is only the hope that one day, Someday it will pass,

Like the the sand slipping through the pinpoint, of an hourglass

 

Really Rob Thomas says it better

I’m Sorry I F*ucked Up

I am human, I know this because I Bleed, I cry (Shh don’t tell anyone) and well I make bad choices and hopefully learn the first time around. 

So being the human on the other end of an online avatar, My avatar is perfection, she is my version of perfection at least.  But on the other end, I am a human in my sweats and a tank top, listening to Neyo, Singing badly and well, Making bad choices. 

I don’t always think things out and just go with it.  I am a at the moment person, normally very kind and carefree, but the carefree portion can get me into trouble, since I do not ALWAYS think it out.

So I F*cked up…. It was a misunderstanding, that went very wrong, and I mean the total opposite of what it was meant to, and It broke my heart that the humor in it was not seen.   I am not a nasty person to begin with, especially to those I care about.  I try to make people laugh and at least smile.  Not always the case, Case and Point here. 

So, I apologized, I did many times… I meant every single one,  It was ripping my soul apart knowing that what was to be a stupid, silly joke had turned into a cold shoulder, Hurt feelings and well, just not what I was going for.

So being me, I took the blame, It was my doing, even though the intentions were not bad, It was not taken as I had planned it  and well, as the title says, I Really f*cked up. 

Hopefully now that my apology has been accepted, and we have promised to never bring it up again, we can move on.   They are the reason I am here,  the reason I have stayed and the reason I persevere through the other bull shit that being on any social media has to offer.  

I am Human, I have flaws like most, I make bad decisions, I don’t always do my hair, I sometimes drink from the milk carton and I lie to pass the eye test at the DMV.   I am far from Perfect.  The one thing I can always offer is a Non perfect girl, who is going to screw up at times, one that will back you even when everyone else is against you, I will stand next to you and proudly say you are My Friend.  I do not back down even when it gets rough nor when I look like a fool for doing so, Why, Because I am your friend and I am in it for the long haul. 

Sometimes even when your intentions are not bad, You have to step back, and accept defeat.  Accepting defeat is not a bad thing, It is an adult thing.  If you are old enough to do something to hurt someone, You need to be strong enough to apologize to them and mean it.   If you have someone that means that much to you, the least you can do is step up and admit your wrong. 

Lessons learned are more so when you are at fault, and in accepting your faults you grow, as you grow you can say you have become a better person.

Peace Out

The Emotionally Debilitating and Draining in Secondlife

 

We all have that friend,  The one who goes from Favorite to Freakin Basket case in 2 Seconds.  The smallest things can set them off, and they don’t seem to recover,  It is as if the emotions have super ceded their alter personality, the one we did like.

These people seem to go in Cycles, Be it weekly, Monthly or quarterly,  But there is a pattern  So when ever that pattern is UP, You are now ether being their shoulder to cry on or trying to keep them sane from their own doings.  If you are not with them, you are against them… How dare you not side with them,  They are always right and you SHOULD follow their lead. 

 

They will claim to be hurt, the victim, or just plain sad because someone, Once again did something to them, But you being the sane person are going to have to recognize the pattern.  They are Oblivious to the fact that they seem to be the common denominator, since well,  In their world and that is the only one that counts, They are never wrong. 

It is human to error, It is just plain easy to learn from our mistakes if we take the time out to look at the past.  But wait, they are not going to do this,  Oh no, because they are the victims, claiming No one loves them, Everyone is against them and well, those that have walked away are the reason for their new found cycled sadness. 

Those that have walked are the sane ones,  they are the ones who have recognized the emotionally draining bullshit that lies beneath, and have choose not to be part of the cycle any longer  They are the ones who are no longer going to allow them to bring them down with you, so to speak. 

Once you allow yourself to  be roped into these people, you will  basically be their biggest fan, but after a few cycles it gets old, you start to question yourself,  Why am I  feeling like this, I should support them, I should back them.  It is like trying to back a Run away train, No matter what you do, it is going to come and all you can do is sit by and watch from a Far distance or stand close, bear the bull shit and damage then look back later and say “How many times is this going to happen?” 

The emotionally exhausting WILL take your energy away.  You will be left with feeling a bit less of a person after a bout of their depression, anger or Victimization.  Why?  I swear they steal it from you, to build up more momentum to keep up their roller coaster.  

So bottom line is, If you have that friend who tens to be teetering on the  line of a patterned dramatized secondlife.  They tend to run from one group to another, they lose and gain friends in a rotation,  They have Lots of stories about being the victim, and still seem bothered by it.  IF you leave your secondlife feeling emotionally weak after spending 2 hours trying to make them feel better….  You are in their emotionally engulfing  sea of pity. 

I read a Quote that said plainly “Don’t make a permanent mistake when your temporarily angry”

Those are words to live by, Keep friends by and well, Stay somewhat sane by

Breaking Into Secondlife

 

Once upon a time there was a girl, she lived in second life… Well not yet really just a visitor at this point.  Any way there was this girl Ok.. She had a account LOL..  Back to topic,  I had at one time found an outfit, It was called racerwear,  it was at this beach, I was  only a few days old, I bought Lindens and went back to this Nude Beach Mall to Buy it and the matching boots of course.  I had Maybe a dozen friends None who were ever online due to  frustration or Inability to leave Orientation Island so I was pretty much on my own.

As I looked for the outfit I had found earlier, I received an IM, Most are random Right.

“You have a nice avatar”

Ok give me a break I'm New I have NO friends and well Hell they seemed, Well alive…..

I took it Hook Line and sinker, But really it was worth it.

*After a really Nice night out he asked Me, why did you change your hair…. On my screen it looked great, Not so much on his LMAO oh and BTW that is the Outfit I bought the day I met him *

Ill call him Blade,  he took me to his apt, Only a few days older than I, He treated like a friend, Offered Me a place to say (I ended up buying a Lot myself)  and showed me his Scripted shower… Laughs… I am still looking for that particular one over 4 years later. 

Now, Being new to SL I was Not prone to know crap, I mean Really, OMG I did Like him, He was freakin adorable,  He was English, Had the dry sporadic, slightly off the wall sense of humor and he was an artist.  I love the creative type,  they see outside the box.. No they Burn the box while painting trees and making Music with random metal objects. 

a side story now, I did get him a transfer gift for his birthday,  It was a very nice leather jacket,  we both got them,…..I thought it was a good gift.  he looked Hawt in it ummm back then lol

Ok this part Is going to sound horrible, I mean Really Horrible, Because I was Honestly clueless.. But we discussed it like a year later and Umm.. Gawd I am so stupid.   My Birthday came around, and we hung at times,  Not ALL the time though I mean I did Not see it as like a Partnership, and in my defense he NEVER asked Me, (Points to You.. Your fault) 

(What I looked Like when I didn’t have Noob hair)

anyway he gave me a ring, It was beautiful,  I wore it the Minute he gave it to me,  OK, OK It was On the left hand Whatever.. I still didn’t have a clue on this whole partnership thing OK!

I remember we hung at a friends house with his GF and also my soon to be partner, whom in all honesty I had been spending the majority of my time with. 

I remember he already had an X then, He had talked of how mean she was and how she had tricked him to  see her and then her friends had griefed and then I am guessing objected him from the land.. at this point I was so new I was Oblivious to all the Drama.  What I did know was how I felt though.

when we first met it was intense,,.. His words and mine.. He was the one who kinda broke me into Secondlife. I remember I bought him a pair of jeans… They were No transfer… Really.. I did that.. Like I understood.. I learned fast though. he was patient with me.  

All in all there was 4 months that transpired and most of my time ,  Now keeping it real, Blade was a Player,  He had many girls that he could choose from.  He had SL buy its virtual balls.with another set in his pocket.  He was not Lets say desperate.   what set him aside from the majority was his creative side.  He was not sending just mundane Instant messages, Each one was a master piece in itself. He has talent.  

Another side story… Get him drinking, OMG  Now that was funny, He may log in, toasted beyond any capacity and his creative juices would be flowing, To bad he always passed out before he could finish a sentence…

So, I got partnered, my partner of course had animosity towards him,  It was hard at first, but one fine day at the sandbox blade IMd me.  “I need a crypt built, Know anyone?”  Umm Yea, My partner.. He is fantastic, and he was.  It took a bit of talking but I finally talked him into making the crypt for blade.  after a few Meets they started to almost like each other… I was happy.

Like real life,  In divorces it separates people.  I lost all the friends, Funny thing, I didn’t lose them, they had just kind of sided with team X.  and Blade was one of them. He loved my Xs building, and after being a group of friends for 3 years, I had become the outsider.   I stepped back, and left the group, I never defriended them, I still had a common bond, But all in all, I knew, they had bonded much more.  Like with Blade, I also lost my closest Girl Friend to the partnership dissolving.  I had spent more hours with these people than most real life friends, I knew their pet names, their fav drink, Their music tastes and words that made them laugh, I had pretty much lost my past due to a decision that was best for both me and X.  Funny thing, I never lost X, He is and always be there for me, We hang in SL, Skype and  poke each other on Face book.  I guess that is kind of odd, I mean mostly when People break up it is mud slinging and name calling.  You will never hear me say anything bad about him.  He is a good man, and when it was dissolved it was the best choice for him and me.  On occasion I will see them Online, I don’t say much, really I say nothing, so much time has passed and I feel like if I did now they would be like… Umm Why are you saying Hi, We have not talked In over a year… That’s pathetic Right?? so I stay on the DL with new friends.

So Ok, Here is Finally the Premise of my Blog, I get an IM from Blade,  Now I have been to his sporting events and said Hi, Asked Him for LMs to his store Etc but never chatted properly to him, It has been very staple conversation as you would with any stranger.  Regardless I was pleased to hear from him, He is not online much anymore now, He has a RL love that he came across in SL… Yea For You!  He is very happy and is still, Well the creative genius stuck in an Emo lookin   body.  I will always remember the English Humor, the silly “Cock” jokes blade and X used to do (and probably still do) and him sharing his art and music with me (Btw Been waiting On that CD for 4 Years now) .  He has a drawing skill of a god, and a mind as warped as any literal artist. If you cannot appreciate the details he puts Into his work, You must be blind. 

Here is to wishing you well my friend, My OLD friend.  We have had our ups and downs, I have pissed you off, and You me, we have fought, screamed and then let it fall off to the nothingness that is proper for 2 friends. You are and always will be My First SL friend, and Un Thanks again for that ring….. Laughs

Lindsay and Blade 2010

Friends With No Benefits

Everyone Knows what Friends With benefits is, But what about the Other Spectrum,  Oh They are Out there, They are On your friends list, they are hiding on facebook so no one can see their online,  they never like or comment on any thing and well they are pretty much just there for show. 

I cannot say I am the BEST Friend to have, But if you say put something out there on facebook I think is funny, cute or interesting, I will acknowledge your efforts.  OK, maybe I am not going to go out of my way to make you feel fuzzy and warm inside, but I purely believe that a friendship is a 2 way street, No Questions asked, just a mutual appreciation for the other. 

I have a friend who Is on 3 social networks, Never says “Hi” even though they are online, Nothing, I will inevitably delete them, I really could care less… I mean I have been blessed by so many good friends, Why clutter up my list with Useless names I have no need for.  If say I needed to talk, would I go to them, No, so what is the point of keeping this random name especially in Secondlife, where there is a new friend lurking around every corner…

I know why I have kept mine, in all honesty, they are females, and I don’t have a lot of friends that are girls,  Girls hate girls and guys hate guys, it is the nature of the beast.  I have a 80 to 20 ratio of Male to female friends, and really the few girls I am tight with, I appreciate More than anything.  I would say half the females added me Just to see when I was Online, and the other half were business contacts and a necessity, 

Most of my male friends, well Seriously we all know what they want, I can go back for years and tell them what they said when and  how I turned them down, Easy peasy, BUT I planned on keeping them, because Well, I like you, Females on the other hand, Holy hell, you would think every female is out to steal your man, Lie and deceive you, this is so not the case, Unless of course the female is not me, HA HA. No really I do believe that most people are not bad, and that there is a good part to all, I am far from trusting people with a lot of personal stuff, but I have my close friends for that, I just want to go out and have fun.

I purely believe a No benefit policy when if comes to friends that I plan to keep for a Long run when they are male, they of course love to test the waters and see if Perchance I have changed my mind at least once a week….. He he – Yes YOU.. No  I just don’t want to lose friends over drama related to stupid decisions and one night stands, not my style and I do have way to much class for that.  So if your reading this and want to make a new friend I am always on the market.

My Next blog will be on the top 10 things NOT to do if you’re a friend….. Now won’t that be interesting