Search This Blog

March 29, 2012

Why I Left My SecondLife


One day there was a realization, a moment of clarity, a Minute I had the answer.  It has since left but I still have pieces of the reason.

We are all scared of change, and as I look around at the chaos of my life, my heart, my mind, It is the realization of loneliness, Dispair and a need to be wanted, a Want to be needed, and to be someone's choice not one of their options that kept me there.  It is the blatant truth that will set you free, it is the growing into someone else, it is losing your respect for yourself, it is the person that made you lose that respect, it is realizing that you are no more than another person on a list of many, and not always on the top but one option that could be made. 

What Secondlife has allowed me to learn is that Love, at its best, Is forever.  It is not a passing phase, but relinquished with every thought, song, notion and memory.  Love is not so much romantic, and is very often one sided, But it never does die, and if you choose to accept it, you will never wish that person harm.  You soar with their happiness and help them through the dark times.  It is sometimes, No most of the time not reciprocated, it is at its peak a roller coaster of happiness and solitude, and a crash of heart break and then complacency.   It is a lesson well worth its pain, and will carry with you throughout your life.  Love is never something to ignore, but sometimes it is best if it is from afar. 

Secondlife has also taught me that some people can live out a virtual life as if it was their own, a Home, a family, a life full of those things that in the real world they are lacking.  Some of us do not have an off switch, Some of us have one installed after a while.  Then there are ones like me with a Dimmer, I fade out into an existence of grass, warm weather, tanning, swimming and hiking with real people.  I found my zen in a family of neighbors and loved ones I can hug, go out with and take pictures of to remember the moment. 

I learned to stop trusting my emotions, they are usually a fail, it is the blinders that allow us to think we feel a certain way, when it only takes 1 Minute to crash and burn many hours and or years of trust, respect and mutual admiration.  It is then we have to accept change. 

Secondlife is full of change,  Friends, homes, partners and trends.  Change is hard and it is never something most choose, we are scared of change, it disturbs or Psyche, and makes the normal Chaos even more unbearable.  What I have come to realize is change is not always bad, if handled with small amounts, a Little at a time.  When I stepped away from Second Life, I logged maybe once a week, then 20 min then not at all, the less I Logged in, the less I missed it.  Same with all my social Media, I can let it all go. 

It is Not always easy to let go of everything, I know that, it is Human to be attached to items, People, places, feelings.  Common sense says if you can let go of a Place, then it alleviates  the person attached to that place, Let that person go and the items are no longer as important tucked away, and then those damn feelings, they may never leave, but your chances just went up 75% by letting 3 out of 4 go. 

So why did I leave?  I guess because I was able to admit defeat, It is not a game I can win, There is no point system for being a shoulder to cry on, a Beating board for Pissed off people, a cute avatar whose heart is capable of breaking, a Land owner for 5 years.  I do not get Bonus Points for alienating those who hurt those I cared about,  Keeping My Morals,  Walking away from drama and not causing more,  Remaining true to those I cared about.   There is no Higher Levels for dressing stylish, Helping Noobies, giving my all when nothing was returned,  and most importantly, Losing myself in the long run. 

As I have been gone for a while, I can still smile at random Moments, Ones that have been long forgot by most, I can still hold onto the beginning when everything was new, When it was a  Perfect world and exciting.  But I can let go of the Excess bullshit, the moments of clouded clarity and the realization that I, alone, am Noones Priority, But Instead am a virtual option, In a sea of other options. 

March 2, 2012

Ghosts Of the Past


I was about 9 years old, It was summertime in Michigan, It was my 3 months away from the bustling city in a small town, No let me rephrase, a Cottage in the middle of the woods.  My Grandma and Grandpa bought it 20 years earlier, although On my 7th birthday, my grandpa passed away from a sudden heart attack.

It was a second home for me, I knew every one on the small winding 2 mile road that turned into dusty 2 tracks at the end, all 8 of them.  I had a freedom there most kids do not in the city, to wander aimlessly and explore, I was a great swimmer, and well, I was 9.  I have always been sort of a Loner, It is My introverted side, I would wander to the docks of the people that were not home and just sit and watch the water and read a book. 

On this day I went to Leann’s they were not up north at the time, and I needed a break from, Well Life.  At 9 you have issues right?  I really have no clue what mine were.  I looked over the lake for a few Minutes, no one was fishing, It was beautiful as the water rippled against the shoreline into the fallen trees. Off in the distance on the other lake attached an out board motor boat was cruising the lake looking for a good perch spot.  I decided to read.  It was quiet.  Not sure how long I read, 10 maybe 15 Minutes then something told me to look up, there was a fisherman maybe 30 feet away, I could see him with his tan brimmed fishing hat on to cover his face from the sun.  He had a Long sleeve shirt on it was dark and a Life Jacket over his shirt.  I felt like he was Looking Into me not at me.. I froze.  Then he smiled and I was no longer scared, I waved, and he waved back to me.  I noticed the License he had on his boat the Numbers they used to use, I looked down at My book saying them over and over again, I felt the need to memorize them.  Looking back up he smiled at me again and tipped his hat, for some reason I knew he was going to be gone when I looked up again, and he was. 

I had looked down for maybe a minute, but then he left just as he came, with no sound of oars against the boat, the water not churning as the boat slid thru or the sound of a motor close period, It was silence.  A chill slid down my spine as the obscenity of all of it came to me, Who was he and how did he come and go so quickly.  I remember grabbing my book and running up the old cement steps to the top of the hill and not stopping till I arrived back at the cottage maybe a quarter mile away. 

My mom was cleaning and getting ready for dinner as I slid into the chair at the table.  She glanced up at me after wiping down the stove

“Is every thing okay?

I Nodded

“Mom?, Didn’t grandpa have a tan old fishing hat?”

she smiled and said yes

“Was his old boat blue?”

She cocked her head a bit with a bit of concern


Then I said, “If I gave you a Number that was on the side of his boat would you remember it?”

She sat at the table with me as I blurted out these Numbers in Sequence as I had memorized them.  He face went white.

“How do you know that?” she asked me.

I smiled with a tinge in my heart “Grandpa came to say good bye” I replied