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May 31, 2011

Lost In Translation


Tell me, Why is it people think partnering is so great in Internet games like secondlife.  I have been partnered 2 times, Only 2 in a total of 4 years.  Yes I succumbed to  the pressure.   Being single now I am  attacked by friends, acquaintances and strangers. For the 10 female to 6 Male ratio, I get my Percentage in quickly. 

Does Not being with someone make me less, Hell No, It makes me More, More of me, more of who I am not not half of another.   I am just plain old, Stupid at times, silly, Sporadic,  quiet, Selfless me.

Case and Point, Sunday my internet went out, I was booted offline by a tornado, I had my phone fully charged,

Offline Message:

T: I Miss you, where are you

Me: Offline, No internet

T: I want to talk about us

Me: What about

T: I want to go further, I really like you I always have

Me: I have known you a Long time, I know you are tired of games, You will find the right person

T: I did, and It is You

at this Point I just stare and shake my head……..

I hit a club with some New friends the other Night, I Teleported in a total of 4 People, all Guys which have snuck back Into my IMs the last month since perving my unattached profile.  We are all friends, that is It, I am good with that, NO I don’t want to Cyber, No I don’t want to partner and for Gods sake, Please stop acting like I am the only one on your friends list.

Since I have been friends with well Most of these people a long time, I have watched them and chatted with them a lot about well, Females… the one above was a hard sell, he did not EVER want to be attached to anyone, against his belief's and he was at first Leary of me until I stated blankly, Hell if you can get em (females) to cyber with ya for nothing go for it, Hit me up when your done.  He knew at that point I was Not getting attached and that I was also not putting up with his BS ether. 

Funny thing, The faster I run from them, The more they come running. I have One friend who I know will Never partner me, I was hanging with him, and another friend when He put on a Prim where his man hood should be,  It was rather large, I said, I know how to make it go down, then Proceeded to type “XXXX Will You partner me?”  He did a LOL and the Prim went away.  I can tell  him anything, I have Known him longer than Most and well, He is my old partner.  He and I are like Oil and water now, We do not mesh well. But for all things considered, We are and always will be friends.  He of all people can call out my BS and know how to do it without hurting our relationship.  He can tell me anything RL or SL and I will give him my honest opinion.

Back to the Partnering thing, I am completely fine being alone, It is just the adjustment time of trying to be everyone's friend all the time, For that reason, I LOVE being partnered.  I can say sorry XXX is on, we are XXX… Leave it at that.  I have no one trying to monopolize my time besides that one person, whom I have choose to spend all my time with.  But in reality, one person all the time can get old, you learn more, and more and eventually it gets dull.  Even diamonds need to be cleaned on occasion, Hence they lose their luster, and I am sure that is where most relationships end. It is to much work to make it all pretty again. 

Even if you care about someone, and give it one hundred there is never a guarantee and you risk losing that person as a friend, I choose to keep friends over stepping into the pool of partnership.  My last Partner, He was a good friend, I will miss him dearly, His personality was fantastic, But through lack of communication, Anger and  resentment, that friendship died a quick death. 

Dating secondlife is like well as I told T above later on in our conversation,

you want a contract to cyber, and exclusive rights to someone but not attach the profiles…

Bottom line, Think before you act, and always remember, the percentages are against you that it will work, Especially when feelings get involved, and when you take a friendship that is rock solid, You actually  take the chance to lose that person forever.  That was my argument before I partnered last time, I was pretty solid on my beliefs, BUT I let him talk me into it, and Here I sit, without 1 person I really cared about. If I like you that is why we are friends, If I choose not to partner with you, It is because I do  care that much, and I would rather Keep what we have rather than Lose it.  I really wish I would have listened to my own advice a LONG time ago

Cancer and Common Courtesy


About 45 Days ago I received a call from my sister, My mom, on one of her MANY doctors trips had finally received  test results back, and what we did not want to hear was, Yes, It was  that C word No one wants to use.  I seemed lost, and Needed someone to talk to, My sister and I shed tears, I threw myself online to try to mask the  thoughts, and maybe find something to take my mind off the fact that  this had happened, I Googled the prospects, the Percentages, the Process. 

Now, I not one to cry on peoples shoulders, I am not one to be the downer In the crowd so I kept to myself, I stayed quiet talking to very few People.  I was such a shell,  basically a vessel that held my heart that was breaking, thinking about the outcome, the  Past, the Present  situation and what needed to be done before  an untimely moment came where there was No more time to be taken. 

I Not only had that On the Horizon, But I was having a few Personal relationship Issues at the same time.,  Nothing that could not have been ultimately fixed, But this time, In my mind, I am thinking about My Mom, and how she sees what was happening, Not just me. Almost as an out of body thing watching as it was happening and her voice saying “Are you going to let him talk to you like that, say those things about you?”, “Honey, I Love you, but if you allow this to continue, you do not love yourself” and the Hook “Do you remember what your father was Like”

The correct answer to the last is No, She forgets he left when I was 2, so I am pretty clueless as far as “How he was”  But I did know when I was craving, Yearning and Pleading him for some type of relationship, I received a cold shoulder.  He was in all ways comprehendible a failed Father, the word DAD is reserved for those that were around and at least made an attempt.

So back to Mom, She  has had to  stay away from pretty much everyone Including her grandson since her white blood cell count is so low and even a cold will send her to the hospital.  She gets tired often and need reminders  for a lot of things, But so far we are just waiting for the last test to come back to find out which strain of cancer.  I cannot help but to Look back at all the  decisions I made that she wanted to hit me Upside the head for and others that she was Pleasantly surprised. funny how over the years we are always out to Free ourselves of our parents, but really we are always no matter what ether

A. trying to prove them wrong

B making decisions with their guidance in hopes that it is right even though you really want to do A

My mother  has lived a good Life, Raised 3 good kids, We are all Self supporting, We are all not total twits,  so somewhere she gained wisdom, some that apparently is grown over time.  My time has not come yet but the need for the Knowledge is in my face, front and center. One day I went over without my germ infested son and we talked, about everything, anything that may  mean everything and even a few things that I will Never need.. I explained the situation, tears running down my face, Lost in a hurricane of Hurt, Anger and Pure rage. She  gave me these things to think about for any situation I find myself in.

1 Would My grandpa approve of the circumstances and how it was dealt with 

Now my grandpa was an upstanding man,  He was the royalty of the family and he treated my grandma with kid gloves and never let a day go by that she was not pampered or protected..  She had a secret I found out many years later,  She never graduated from school,  she had been a very sickly child and  was married at a young age\. and through all those years,  Her and my grandpa  were full throttle in love,  When he passed away, part of my grandma did to.  I miss them both a lot

2  Are you trusting your heart, your head or are you a basket case?

Ok, I was a basket case, I had emotions up to the tilt, I was a raging water fall of Hurt, Hatred, Anger, Disrespect and a few other things I cannot even get into.  She knew this, I don’t cry often, I am a hard shell to crack, my son who is my world, when born, hit me like a hurricane.  I did not cry.  I am just that cold when it comes to feeling things,  Movies, Eh I am not going to cry.  I have built up this  rough exterior, over years of hurt, pain and lies.  When I can add another brick, I do, when I take away a Brick, the inside of me shutters a bit.   BUT she reminded me, that looking at it with logic and a true heart is the only way to make decisions, for yourself, and I love logic, it is so simple  The bad thing is 1+1 does not always equal 2, there is a hidden equation in everything, a few calculus problems and geometry.  This time I was fucked, I did not take calculus, why could it not have been accounting.

3 Treat everyone as you want to be treated

Yea this is the old standby one ALL parents share – but she went a bit deeper, she said “Treat everyone BETTER than you want to be treated, because they  will always remember you with a fond heart”   I go by rule of thumb on this one, I  try to be kind to everyone, I am not a saint, but I have been known to do charity at times.  I Love making people laugh, But it is usually people I know, since I am a pretty quiet person to begin with.  I am in a complete definition an Introverted extrovert,  if you don’t talk to me, chances are we will never meet, and yes this limits my friends list down, I lose many opportunities due to this defect in my personality, but that is my issue not theirs and I'm not changing anytime soon.

now to make this clear, I told my mom what was going on with me and my boyfriend,  she is a retired school teacher,  taught Science, math and Home Economics.  My sperm donor left when I was 2 (an engineer for the Big 3) He was Mentally Physically, and Emotionally abusive to everyone in the house, I was pretty blessed when he left.  I remind my mother that if he was still around as I grew up, One of us would have been in Jail or the graveyard,  I had gotten his ability to man up and not be scared (My exterior) with her laid back Pool of emotions (what I hide Inside)  My father is defiantly my Alpha, but I use my feelings to make judgment's on logic,  does that even make sense?

First I analyze the data, this comes from  historical evidence (past and present) common denominators (Patterns, changes in patterns) Actions (Or lack there of actions) and then finally what is actually occurring, the obvious Issue. If you take all of it into consideration, and only use logic to see what the bottom line is, You have a solid base to start from. Once I have that base, I let  my beta side  squeeze in. those damn feelings,  from here it is Who is going to get hurt,  Was it an action that  I or they did intentionally,  who needs to fix this, and finally what is best for me. Now the funny thing here is the person closest to me, My boyfriend, Has no clue I am dealing with my mom and cancer, Usually he knows me enough to ask what is wrong, But he has not even been talking to me, so for me, Logic states your alone, Get even quieter, close up all feelings, Feelings are screaming, We want out,  we need help, but Shush you little beta,  Alpha kicks betas ass. 

The last thing my mom told me, before I left her that day was “Connie, You are a good person, You give 1 hundred percent to everything you do, to everyone you know and you expect nothing back.  When are you going to believe you deserve just as much back as you give” She of all people knows me better than anyone else – She raised me on her own, Played father and mother.  a recovering alcoholic, who has raised me and also my 2 siblings who are close to 20 years my senior.  She was a full time teacher, and tried her best to never say a bad word about my sperm donor, Who really did not need any words, actions speak louder than them any day. 

So, the final outcome of this, I am happy to say, Logically I made the right choice, My boyfriend who had pretty much deserted me in the end, then compiled it by calling me names and posting numerous page essays on his Facebook page as to why I was such a horrible person, Is without me now, I would say alone, But I highly doubt that,  Logically there was no words to change his mind as to his actions, so I had to step away.  His last post basically stated if I do not concede to his beliefs on this subject, to stay the fuck away from him and he did not want me in his life, and I did, I have stayed away from him, No name calling, No FB Posting, no calling him out, No Interference with his apparently perfect life without me.  .  He had broke through my wall, and knew I am run on feelings with him, and that it is hard for me to let go.  I am not saying it was easy, It wasn’t but it was the only way I could get away from the negativity. As laid back  as he was, he has to have perfection, and there for I was always under scrutiny.  If I was a bit emotional, it was out of me being needy or Leachy.  If I said anything about him doing anything that may have hurt me, I was the one being unreasonable.  and on the other hand if I did not say I Love you enough, I was cold, But Umm, I learned from him how to be that way, maybe not him, but from this guy who like him, was a very important role model, one I should have called Dad.  I can see now if we would have stayed together, with my emotional attachment, it would have been a total failure, nether of us was willing to change, and I for one am not going to walk into an abusive relationship knowing full well the outcome. it starts with tempers and escalates into actions.  Let me also say, He is not a total asshole, he has his good qualities, he can be very amusing and charming,  He is smart about many things, But his Drive to succeed is not on the top of his list ether.   I will miss him, us, We did have a lot of good times, but, My alpha and his Beta do not match well.  and logically  that is okay

My mom, well she is comfortable, and we are still waiting on the results on what treatment she is going to have to get,  I have high hopes for a full remission, and the doctors do to. . As it is right now, we are looking at approximately 80% success rate if the tests come back the way we hope them to  My son misses his “Memaw” and wants her better so we can have her over “for a week” he says to make up for lost time. She is proud of me,  she knows I got the strengths of both my father and her, and I can at times Let feelings cloud my judgment.  Like her, I will become a victim if I were to let this happen, The key to not becoming a victim is leaving before you become one.  So if there is anything you need to know about me it is this, I don’t back down after a certain point and if you cannot accept defeat on occasion, let me go.   I feel for his friends and family who read his ranting's on facebook, and I am sure they were not shocked that the relationship status changed so soon after.

My Upside in this whole Fiasco, is Understanding, I am not hurt anymore, I am not bitter, actually I would go back and  try to save the friendship, But I know how he feels about X’s.  I miss his logic, which usually  made perfect sense, till the very end.  His lack of common courtesy killed the logic. I wish us both the very best, and I hope one day he knows how hard it was for me to walk away, I stayed quiet,  Very Unlike me, Funny thing is I did not even have a last word.  He was one of few who broke through and made me feel,  Feel things I don’t allow normally.  I locked back up that vault, and have started Over, Working at a new job, spending time with my son , who just brought me a Jelly sandwich and an orange, Because He Loves me and I always make him food.  I am blessed in so many ways, and I am going to go enjoy my Jelly sandwich now, because it has my favorite ingredient in it,  It was made with “Love”.

This Blog has taken a turn It is no longer Just Second life stuff, My poetry and RL are also important to me,  When I have Second life stuff, Ill add a SL tag to it.  Much hugs and Love to all, and those going through the process of a loved one dealing with cancer, You are in my prayers.

May 21, 2011

Best Of Life


You jumped into this so quick, You  even made me start to believe,

In love at first sight and that I would never want to leave,

I was enamored with your sweetness, in awe of your mind,

But your intolerance for emotions were logical in your mind,

I have been an open book,  telling you what I feel,

I made a commitment states away, We were Officially  real,

I am far from perfect, I have never made that claim

But You, Well you’re the Internet guru, Mr.In world Fame,

I have summed myself up as Trophy wife in a virtual sense,

a Pretty face, a avatar, with a knack for common sense,

I was perfect when you wanted me there, But easy to set aside,

I was No more to you than a new video game or an amusement Ride,

Once the thrill is over, easy to discard

But for the Healer, It is a Bit more hard

I hope that you enjoyed the time we had together,

It was definitely a lesson, I will always treasure

I will only grow stronger, from your harsh words

and the lies you told after are totally absurd,

I now have no one to criticize me, and tell me my imperfections

I have no one to  make me feel less, and used to rejections,

I opened my self up to you, more than anyone before,

And You, oh you opened up to, But did not feel it anymore,

You forgot common courtesy, that was out of your arrogant ways,

You could talk for hours and never mention important things to say

In your mind I am a Needy Person, that is far from the truth

But I refuse to dig information from you and become a sleuth,

Your self loathing and your intellect is what keeps you alone,

You need to learn to share, and when wrong learn to own,

I can say you did, You had me heart and soul complete,

But your arrogance and personal attacks, Well that is hard to beat,

I wish you the best of luck, I wish you a wonderful Life,

Now please excuse me, My back hurts, Oh Forget it, Its just your Knife,,,,

Emptiness within


I am just a shell of myself, Please just give me time,

Emotionally a bit empty, By these ties that bind,

Physically just so tired, So forgive if I tend to sleep,

But do not Feel sorrow, Nor for me weep,

Mentally I am just worn,an Maybe a bit tattered,

But that to soon shall pass, It does after a heart is shattered

I am still courageous, strong, willful, and I soon to be complete

I may be an introverted mess of emotion, But I will land on my feet,

It happens when you take that chance, and give your heart away,

Sometimes it just shatters and we are left with nothing to say.

We may get hurt from actions, words or from repetition

But we must stand strong, Live our life, as if there is no condition

I may have a few issues, But I have no conceit to share

my feelings are on the level it is the one thing I can share

One day I will be me again, just give me time to heal,

I know it may be a long shot, But I know that Love is real

It is the chance we take every time, we step back in the game

We are waiting for the downfall, Looking to point the blame

But the blame is not always where we stand or where we stood before,

sometimes we are just different,  and cannot play the game anymore

Sometimes we need reassurance, a smile or a gentle hand,

and when we get the opposite,  we have to take a stand,

Sometimes even when you love someone, you have to let them go.

Sometimes it is the only way, The only way you know

After your told to leave under certain terms

You mind comes to an acceptance, even though your heart yearns

I may be a shell, an empty vessel of life,

But I for one know Love will overcome strife

So for those who have had, a broken heart or two,

Stay strong, stay positive, For  to your heart be true

May 6, 2011

Love Just Ain’t Enough

This song keeps running through My Mind, Non stop
almost like I could have wrote it myself


Sweet History


I know you would not believe, How sad I am today,

I never wanted this to end, especially this way,

I never wanted to hurt you, But I know that you are

But Your rants and Public raves, Went a bit to far,

I would have never called you names nor put it on my wall,

The second essay you wrote about me, really said it all,

Once again I was to blame, as it has been since we met

You cannot take any blame, You are Perfect No regrets,

You claim I am a bad person, I share My feelings and My pain

I am needy and whiney, and I have only my self to blame

Yes, If I love you, I share these things, Only because I care

and Yes, I missed you, Shit, I did Want you there

I was left in the dark, But it is My fault again

For Not digging and asking You why, It is a No win

All I wanted was an apology, For the way you treated me

But you were not willing to give me that, and Nor can You see

You have to take  blame on yourself, For not Just telling me so,

You would rather rip me into pieces, and Make Me into a circus side show

It may have been one thing if you would have acted a bit better,

Maybe Not written all the crap on your wall, and tossed it into a letter,

Maybe you could have talked to me and Not made me feel bad,

maybe you could have offered a hug, and realized I was sad,

I Know You did not think I was strong enough, To walk away,

that I would just sit there and listen to all you had to say,

I am at my breaking point, and regardless of whether Your still there

My Heart is broken in two, But It hurts because I still care

My life is Upside down, But I don’t want You back,

I am tired of feeling Small and reminded of things that I lack

I am tired Or being put in a corner, and told to like it or leave

I know you enough to know you to wear your heart on your sleeve

So goodbye my sweet history, And So Long dreams of good fair

I will miss You more than I can say, But You acted like you just don’t care