Search This Blog

January 19, 2012

What is Love?


Once in a while in a lifetime, You find your equal half,

It no longer is a complex problem, But simple emotional Math,

It is connecting and sharing,  grabbing each moment as gold,

It is not all about one thing, But letting it naturally unfold,

It is trust and communication, It is giving that person space,

It is about all the between, Not the outcome of a race,

It is the sweetness and the warmth, it is the accepting all before,

It is not looking for perfection, It is loving the imperfections even more,

It is the honesty and the moments that are not always a hallmark card,

It is effortlessly just being, Not making it to easy or to hard,

It is wanting to see the other, being happy by their smile,

It is wanting them to be happy, It is going the extra mile,

It is the small things that You do, Seeing the little things they can be,

It is holding onto their heart, Yet letting their soul fly free,

It is complete acceptance of their being, and loving them at their worst,

It is never discounting their feelings, always putting them first,

It is one of the most sought after feelings, Especially when its true,

It is a wonder why you choose me, Same as I chose you.

January 18, 2012

My Hero


What I am, Is who I choose to be,  Who I am is what I make of myself, When I choose, I become who and what I am. 

Funny how we all can point fingers, yet we have all heard that age old saying, never  judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, then at least you have shoes and are a mile away from them, which apparently is a safe distance to judge people. 

I trust few, care for many and I am who I am because of those that love me, supported me, and backed me with the choices I have made.  Each choice was completely my own,  Each lesson learned has been a road I hope to not take again.  With each step I make towards who I am to be, I hold onto what has been given to me, Love, Honor and most of all respect. 

I am no one important, I have no REAL wealth, except for the friends I have made, the memories I have shared, and the tomorrows I will appreciate.  But in being me, or even you being you, there is a wealth that cannot be matched with a price, it is a cost that noone can match.  Being you is Priceless.

We are only who we allow ourselves to be, we are the only ones who put a limit on ourselves.  We are our own worst enemy, but then, we can also be our best friend.  Perseverance and over coming obstacles are in itself a lesson and an accomplishment.  We are our own hero's if you really think about it.  Without us saving our selves, who would do it for us… Over and… Over … and Over again. 

Next time you look in the mirror, Forget about what you think others think, what you may have heard and maybe even seen.  Look past the physical Bullshit, and past all your dark thoughts of yourself, and then remember how many times have you been so deep, so hurt and soo scared.  Who saved you?  You saved yourself, you allowed the time to recover, you stood strong and you  are your own hero, no cape needed.  You do not have to fly, have super powers or a lot of strength, all you need is what you were given when you were born, a will to survive. 

This is a post to all my friends,  thank you for being there, Thank you for supporting me, and I love each and every one of you. 

January 16, 2012

My Heart


Tell Me I am your heart, No, Tell me I am even your Life

Tell me all the things I do, that make it seem all alright,

Tell me  now because I really need to hear from you,

I need to hear you are forever and this time if its true

Tell me you never, Want us to ever be apart,

Tell me you will cherish me, and never break my heart,

I am in this one Hun, No holds barred,

This time seems forever, we have come so far

Please whatever you do, know that you have my heart,

Let this be your guide, Make yesterday a new start

tell me I am all you need, On those cold dark nights,

Tell me how beautiful I am, Under the stars and moon light,

I tell you that you have me, You have my  worn heart,

Tell me please,  You will not leave me alone in the dark

I tell you how sweet and sexy you are,

I give you my life, hand you my dreams in a jar,

So this is it baby, I never want to be to far,

Just tell me you love me,  and take care of my heart

January 15, 2012

Our Dance


Smiling at the thoughts,  that once made us complete,

The music that was playing, that soft and swaying beat,

I remember looking at you, and thinking I had fallen so soon,

Holding you so close, Under the dark sky and silver moon,

It was then I Knew  I had loved you, before we even met,

It was you and me, still swaying at the break of sunset,

I remember wishing that moment, would never fade to day,

If I had to do it all over,  I would have nothing more to say,

It happened so perfect, I happened the way it was to be,

I am glad I was not looking, I am glad I did not see,

I did not see you walking, I did not see you leaving my sight,

I did not see it hurting so much, I held onto you so tight,

If I had the chance now, to relive that dance and all the pain,

I would once more dance with you, I would dance with you again,

For if it were not for that moment, When I fell in Love with you,

I would still be wondering, If my heart was capable to be true,

The River Of Life


Life is like a river, always changing is course and speed,

We strive to reach the end, fulfilling each and every need,

Avoiding all the obstacles,  Feeling the sun upon our face,

Makes some days easier in this never ending race,

Sometimes getting delayed by the currant of of choice,

But never giving up, as we listen to our inner voice,

Holding more tightly as the waters, turn into falls,

But trying to stay on track, as the loons make their nightly calls,

the river of life as we know it, changes every day,

But steady to our dreams, we reach for every day,

If we should be stuck, if we should choose to step ashore,

Our hopes and our dreams will pull us back in for more,

So take this life as it comes, choose to stay the course,

there is no regret bigger, than ones own remorse.

January 14, 2012

Artistic Emotions


Why do people write?  Sing?  Listen? Paint? Sculpt?

It is a passion beyond words, It is putting your life, your history, you current place and your lessons into a group of clay, Colors, Notes or in my case words.  If I could sing, I would,  You would thank me for doing so believe me.

There is songs that I wish I wrote, I mean truly they are heart felt, they speak volumes of emotion without even knowing me,  They are my Heart songs,  They are when I hear them they take me back to a place where I can remember, taste, see and feel every note, every held note, every memory is some how connected to that song.

Simply Pain

I just heard this on the radio, It is simply put, a moment of realization, the moment you know you screwed up, let something go, or just not ready to let go,  It is taking all the pain and synchronizing  it with notes that blend into a a piece of music that associates anyone with the loss of someone they love, still love and cannot let go. 

Never letting go

The strings in the beginning make my stomach tighten,  It is a song of desperation for me, holding onto someone who is gone, someone who meant the world to you.  It is the death of a body but never a soul.  It is wishing you had followed them to wherever they are now.  This song brings tears of sorrow from the loss but Smiles of the memories… I have a stone in my garden it states “If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you home again”  Simply put, Undying love beyond any ones touch, words or title. 

That moment of change

Never wanting to let go of that one moment.  Wanting time to stand still, and knowing that time may change, but for now, it is ok, It is all going to be okay as long as you have them.  It is realizing that only that one person can change you for the better, and take you at your worst.  If only we all had that person in our life.


Live for each Moment

I could do a WHOLE Blog on Enrique…  Every song of his is good, But this one is such a fun, uplifting song, It is making the most of each and everyday.  Singing and dancing, Hugging and well, Have a drink to Smile 

All of his songs have a message worth writing about, but this one is so Uppy (Is that a Word)  it makes me move, it makes me feel good and it makes me want to go to Cabo…

Let go of the past

This is such a sweet and happy song, it is full of acceptance and new beginnings.  Everyone has a past, everyone has made mistakes, Would you feel the same way if you knew all of them?  If you can accept your own mistakes, then they to should be able to also.  It doesn't matter what others think, It only matters that you are happy with who you are. 

Looking for Forgiveness

Scanning the radio one day I came across this song, I liked it enough to find it and fall even more In love with it.  It is saying you will judge yourself so much harder that others.  You are no more or less perfect that anyone else, Your mistakes are not who you are, only what you choose to become,  You are more than the choices that you made, you are more than the problems you create… I should honestly listen to this song more often,  I sometimes judge people without reason, I go on defense, and well,  I have my share of mistakes, once again, I am my own worst critic….

You cannot tell a heart anything

Smiles…. as good as this song is good its bad, It is a complete mess of emotions, good bad and well lustful.. It is the perfect relationship song, It makes all the sense in the world to those on ether end.  Hate and love are only divided by a fine line and the emotions together can sway ether side.. I hate how much I love you, I cannot stand how much I need you… Balancing a negative with a positive is how all relationships work, It is when you disregard the positives and accumulate the negatives that a relationship fails..

I wish you all someone you hate to love so much


Peace Out

One Day


One day my mind will stop thinking of all the yesterdays

One day my ears will stop hearing the words I wanted you to say

One day you will leave my heart, along with my mind,

One day Ill stop searching, for the one thing I thought I would find

One day Ill put to rest, all the questions and the pain,

One day Ill not look to rainbows, But dance alone in the rain,

One day Ill be more secure, and Ill like to actually be me

One day Ill unchain my heart, let it fly and set it free

One day seems so far, It seems so far away

One day Ill tell myself, that today is that day

Learning to Fall


Nights of smiles and laughs,  You have once again made me whole,

It is the loss of a complicated puzzle, and joining of our two souls,

I know it seems forever since the day we came to terms,

It is then we take all the lessons, and from them finally Learn

We never will be perfect, For perfection is a pure reflection

But together we will be, Both going in the same direction,

I thank you for never giving up, and for making it worth the ride,

It was always you who held me, Gave me laughs, Even when I cried

You always knew how to take me, the good, bad and otherwise,

You seemed to see beyond my wall, Peel away my disguise,

With you I am myself, I have no negative things to say,

But look to each and every morning, as yet another blissful Day

For now I shall take it as it comes, and make the most of it all,

I now can say you made me believe, Its not always Bad to fall.

January 13, 2012

Book Of Life


There was a time when I saw, My future hand in hand with you,

The sunsets, late nights and sharing, But in time I knew,

As each page turns in a book, It was time to let you go,

Maybe you could not accept it, But then again, I know,

As if the book of our life, rolls from words on a page,

Our love may have never died, But nether did the rage,

Paragraphs filled with the rush, a tender sweet kiss,

Other filled with disdain and demons as in a greek myth,

the chapters unfolded memories, with all together came,

The whole of our complete relationship, a book with no name,

I see the the beginning so clear, as if it were today,

The middle is a bit fuzzy, for there was so many things to say,

But the ending, Oh the ending, It was what made the book cover Blue,

It was then I had to come to a close, and out the door I flew,

It was time to close  our book, and set it on a shelf,

One with other books alike, Some of dreams, Love or wealth,

It was to be kept safe and still, to grasp for another time,

In case I needed reference,  when my life once again became Mine

I thank you for those chapters, for I am stronger than before,

When I cried as I left the book closed, and faded through the door,

The tears were not all pain, No they were my happiness to,

For I could not be me without, Having to be with you

Separated Hearts


I can feel the touch of your hand,  I can feel the heat of your lips,

I can see the smiles dancing on your face, But it is you I still Miss,

I long to lay beside you,  hold you close, feel you inside,

To once again feel the happiness, that made my lonely nights subside,

The miles that stretch in-between,  they call out to me in the night,

It is our love, determination and need, that make us not lose sight,

I  can still feel the sun on my face, your kind and gentle stare,

If I close my eyes and get lost in thought,  I can still see you there

I want the saltiness of your lips, always and forever against Mine,

I want walks along the beaches, Picnics, sharing a bottle of wine,

I want us to meet in the middle, and for us to never look back again,

I want you  against my sheets, my pillow, My undeniable sin,

I need you to walk beside me, not be so very far away,

I cross off the days on my calendar,  until I can get to that day

For you are my heart and soul,  You have captured me from myself,

I have never known such eternal bliss, Such zen, such wealth,

With you I need no other possessions, for as long as we are one,

My life will continue to prosper, you are second to None,

My love please hold me close, even though we are so far away,

For I am always here for you, and forever I will Stay.

The Map


Sometimes the answers are not always clear,

The Questions are lingering along with the fear,

Cannot go back, so we step slowly ahead,

Making guesses in the dark as we lay in bed,

confusion is not easy to overcome,

although sometimes normal for some,

Cannot grasp the reality, cannot lay down the line,

There is something missing, It is calling me to find,

Cannot possibly find it, In my empty heart,

In others I search, hoping for a new start,

But the shallow still waters do not assist,

Still waiting for that spark, the energy I miss,

Finding it hollow in this empty dream of mine,

waiting on the stars above to show me a sign,

they never seem to change, just make a soft glow,

The water before me shimmers, I still do not know,

What lays ahead, Nor can I see which way to turn,

It is a unmapped territory, One I have yet to Learn,

God grant me the honor, Give me the strength,

To walk it alone, No matter the Length

Give me a passion, that will guide my way,

One to take me further, than the previous day,

January 12, 2012

True Love


What really is love?  Is it a feeling?  an action?  maybe a moment of zen where you know you are supposed to be in that particular spot, Or maybe its just the giving of yourself completely.  Is it feeling comfortable, Is it the moments when you can be yourself, Is it the need to please that person and show them gratitude.

The answer is not easy, It is actually a accumulation of all of those things. 

I for one do not believe in love at first sight…. Ok maybe just lust at first sight and love sneaks up later, but I think love is something that over time progresses.  It is like stairs, the further you go up, the closer you are to your destination.  Love is not just words, but actions, it is being with someone and not just seeing them for what they can do for you, BUT what you can do for them, It is a two way street, it must be met in the middle to be somewhat successful. 

If you find yourself climbing and climbing and they seem to be getting more distant, they are not walking the same path as you, But if they are matching your steps, even trying to keep up with you…(Remember not everyone is at your pace) give them some credit. 

I knew someone, someone so completely different than myself, that it was almost obscene we be together.  My friends questioned my sanity.  What drew me to them?  Total honesty and well, they did not want me physically just yet.  They took their time, to get to know me, they listened to my rants and raves,  they supported my decisions, they made me feel as if I was not a total chick, it was this thing called Respect.  It felt good. 

Needless to say, it did not last,  but once again I gained so much from that, I learned to be subjective, to use my brains and not my heart all the time.  Which that alone was worth any pain I felt leaving them behind. 

Really I did not leave, I just stepped away and let them battle their own demons, they had a few and I could not take on the world for them anymore. 

One thing I believe is that whatever was felt in that time, since I had set all the physical stuff aside, was pure and true.  It was not an escape, nor was it just a moment of insanity that lasted a year.

I am one to forgive and forget easily,  I do not harbor darkness, I let it out in my poetry and writing, therefore, I am a much more peaceful person when it comes to being hurt. 

When you truly love someone, it does not matter if they are with you or not,only that they have happiness in their life that should matter, that is so true, and it is a testament to true love to let go.

I cannot stress enough that letting go dose not mean, Not loving, it is the action behind it that speaks volumes,  it is the care and concern for the other that is the ultimate sacrifice.  You may still hurt, but they may be better off without you. 

Finding one that truly loves you takes time, and I am not saying X amount of hours, but time, time to really dig deep, be honest with each other, and really share thoughts, dreams and futures.  If you think you love someone at say 3 months,  wait another 3, see what happens… If it is a mutual relationship, they too will still be there.  Walking along with you, up the steps of life.  meeting you half way, and making sure you know how much your appreciated.

Love is not beauty, nor sex, it is not a single emotion or words, It cannot be given without taking pieces of you with it.  Love is a package of so many small things that add up to the greatest achievement of all, Love. Always remember, a heart is the only thing you, that you can give away, and yet get more back than given. 

My Angel


It is as if I am, Alone in a box of glass,

I am watching all around, Just a single cell Mass

My thoughts are racing and screaming, you cannot hear,

My logic flies out the window, the dampness of a tear,

Thoughts overflowing,  Grasping at ribbons of hope,

Memories like balloons, above my head they float,

Streets interchanging, Not a single one I know,

I have no control over the speed, as if I am in tow,

Chasing dreams in a circle, always ending up here

Looking for a wheel, so I can take control and steer

But not in this little box, made of glass shall I move,

I must break out, shatter the walls, so cool and so smooth,

Rocking back and forth, holding my legs tightly near,

It is disappointment, hurt and pain, that is my biggest fear,

Can I let go of history, no, it is there to stay,

Searching for answers, There must be another way,

Calling out for help, It is then I see a glow,

a soft mist of an angel, One whom I swear I know,

It comforts and protects me, from so far away,

I can feel its calmness and love, I try to walk its way,

My legs weak from not standing, Like a new born,

I hold onto the glass around me, my Clothes dirty and torn,

It is then I find the glass, Is not as high as it appeared,

but I am scared now to step over, Back in rush my fears,

Holding my breath and closing my eyes, I try to go over the wall,

My feet looking for ground, It is then I fall,

Weightless and in flight, I grasp onto my angels hand,

My angel smiles down at me as if they understand,

I plead to tell me how, why and where I should be,

My angel just sets me down, and gazes down at me,

I smile then knowing, all will come to a place,

Where the pieces will come together, and that I can face,

The ups downs and heartache, the good and the bad,

To accept life as I know it, and appreciate what I had.

January 10, 2012

Cyber for Love, Love for Cyber


From my personal experiences here, there always seems to be a common denominator.   Someone is being deceived in one way or another.  Be it their life style, their sex, Their age or their epic failed attempt to stay monogamous.

Its hard, I mean some people are in open relationships, and apparently its cool to do this, it is totally accepted.  Then there are the other ones where maybe the lie has nothing about the relationship, but with their RL.  Is keeping RL stuff secret bad?  I am not so sure it is always bad… Just bad when the lie can mentally screw up a persons  Psyche. 

I was told once, I will never kick a girl out of bed cause her nails are not done…… Interestingly enough, that one statement alone says a lot.  they are not there to judge your nails or your hair,  They are there for one thing and one thing only……Sex.

I Knew a guy once he had 7 avatars, 5 were partnered and the rest had girls in the profile…. I was one of those girls.   I called him out, said maybe he should take a step back and figure out what he wants, but to please leave me out of those options…. Luckily he did  and he wanted out of secondlife after being caught.

I have made some blundering mistakes,  I have, trusted the wrong people, thought that because  we were so close that would never happen, Gawd was I wrong. But then I think it was all these failed attempts that made me cynical…..I am cynical because Of what I have seen, what I felt and  what I'm told.

Say a friend tries to Cyber you,  You decline on the basis, I am not gonna be the “Other girl”  they say they are not…… say active but you find out different.

WTF do I do with this handful of shit?   Walk away, the better person, that is what.

The common trend here though is virtual sex,  it is and probably will be a VR hot topic for, well, ever…… If I had a dime for every offer of a rambling emote my Year in secondlife would be paid for and then some.

People use love for sex, People use sex to feel love, it is a never ending  circle, one that most get caught up in.  Why?  Because bottom line we are human, behind the pixels.  Real emotion comes without the sex, it comes by sharing, but not many people will stick around for the pure emotions if what they really want is just the main attraction.   Some get the main attraction and just take it for what it is, Just another night. 

Who is wrong here?  In a virtual world, it really is no different than RL dating,  Most guys would love to  screw around on the first date,  although the chances of them keeping you around for a long time is shortened.  You lose your luster after giving them the one thing they want… You. 

Bottom line, if you want to keep someone, I have found they do stick around if you keep your RL morals… Yes SL is a fantasy of sorts for some, it is a place to explore maybe a deeper darker side.

I don’t NOT believe in cyber, I just believe it is something that should not be used to hurt others, or to feel better ourselves discounting the other person. 

Bottom line is

Guys want Cyber

Girls Want Cyber

They are not going to say no to cyber of any type if they want it.

They will use you for whatever you allow them to  (Allow is the key word here)

They don’t regret doing any of the above

So keep your high morals,  don’t let some lame ass dude you met an hour ago, a week ago, a month ago, talk you out of them,  are they worth it?  probably not.  Unless of course that is why you’re here, then feel free to be the booty call on a Thursday night, because well,  Your online and want it.  I am happy in my cynical  little corner of the internet, Not playing the games, why?  Because I still have a lot of friends,  Ones I didn’t lose because, well, they will always try, But they know, They Know….. the Answer will still Be No…

January 6, 2012

Random Acts


Sometimes it happens,  We make a decision that ultimately impacts the rest of our life.  Without knowing,  we take our whole future head on, no holds barred, We trudge through with a determination that no one is stopping us. 

I think these are the easiest times really,  If we knew it was life changing we would have probably thought a bit more about it.  Considered other options, even left some doubt.

So our lives technically change with every decision we make,  It travels to tomorrow with us like our shadow. 

One day at Starbucks I was in the drive through, I was tired, running late and needed a triple Caramel Macciatto to make it a better day.  I was in the process of ordering as the SUV behind me proceeded to hit me. 


I got out in the darkness of the early morning with the shadows of the parking lights against the bumper of my Brand new 2010 Malibu and this woman talking to me apologizing.  Apparently her day was worse off than mine. 

After exchanging information, as the woman in the speaker that had been taking my order was asking if I was OK, If They needed to call 911 If I still wanted my coffee…I kinda need it more now  Uh Yeah… can you add Baileys??? Damn…

I pulled up to the window to get my coffee, once I paid for mine, I then asked, How much was the coffee for the lady behind me?

I honestly don’t remember how much but say 7 dollars.  I  dug in my purse for a few more dollars and said, Here, Ill pay for her coffee. 

She stared at me….  “Your paying for the coffee of the lady that just hit you?”

“Yes, Because My day was bad before, But now hers is worse than mine, It is the nice thing to do” 

It was as if I had passed off any cloud I had for the happiness of another.  Did she expect to find out I had paid for her coffee,  Not likely, But I’ll bet that one action that day made her crap of a morning a bit better, I know all of a sudden my day seemed better, and well, I had just gotten hit….

After that I started at random, Paying for peoples lunches at Burger King,  Coffee at Bigbys and starbucks, and once gas at a gas station.  The gas was actually more of a here is some money for gas,  he was on his way up from Indiana,  around Fort Wayne area and his Debt card was not working, I have been there.   He was out of gas and needed to get to lansing, another 30 Miles.  That would be hard on an Empty tank.  His cell phone was dead, He used mine, His debt card was useless… I already knew I was not about to Fill up his tank, But I had 10 dollars to offer to help him get to his mom.  His name?  I honestly don’t know, I could not pick him out of a line up now if I tried.

Leaving Aldis one day I went to get Into my car,  It was a bad time for me, I was in Indiana, Hours away from home, minimum wage job and 20 dollars to spend for a few weeks of Groceries.   I found an envelope under my wiper blade with “God told me you needed this” Inside was another 20 dollar bill, One to replenish the 20 I had just spent.  A pit in my stomach I looked around in awe, Not able to comprehend what had just happened.   I still to this day have no clue who gave me that envelope.  Did I know them?  Did they know me and my financial issues?  Was this just a freak occurrence or was it god telling me,  I am here looking out for you,  Your doing your best.

We all need to step back and remember not what we see is always what's really going on.  One small choice can change your life,  For me it was that 20 Dollar bill, In a white envelope.  Now when I see someone having a bad day, Struggling, or even just looking as if they are lost, I offer help, a Smile or maybe even a gas station rose as I go back to my car.   Not everyone knows how to pay it forward but they will be changed by it when It happens.  Maybe they cannot afford to buy gas for someone, But they can offer their phone, a friendly smile and just being genuinely well, Human. 

Not all my days are spent paying it forward, I get lost in the crap life has to offer, But one thing I do know is that I always leave feeling better if I know I made a difference in someone's Minute, Their day, maybe gave them a glint of hope that had lost its luster after so many failed attempts.   Half of success is your motivation and drive, How you look at the situation.  If you have a Positive attitude, I guarantee your chances of success will go up compared to the negative.

May your day be filled with Random acts of kindness and may you pass it on to the next person in need.


Peace Out…

January 4, 2012

How to Be a Player….


A while ago I was invited to a party of sorts… Well it was a big party/  The friend who asked me I lovingly call Player.  Why?  He is, and I will tell him to his face on skype Or in text chat in SL. He knows what he is, and I think in a way he is proud of it. 

Okay, back to topic…  SO I declined for two reasons really

1 I was with My BFF Shapshifter chilling

2 I Knew the invite was more of a status to him than anything else

I refuse to be a status for someone else,  Shapeshifter said, Lets go, your with me tonight.. Yes But I don’t need the questions and jealousy later.  Funny Player is jealous of my friends.  Why,,,, I am not sure why.   I chatting one day after I asked how the party went, He said it was great.

“I had 6 girls dancing around Me, and all were asking about the other Hoochies around me were”

Sighs…… And he thought I would come to be Number 7….  I may have just come back, but I Remember the game.  

I had a whole 40 minutes that night to chat, and decided that doing it with Shapeshifter was best, I think I called It right. 

Player and I are 2 parts to a Never ending puzzle, We understand each other probably more than most in SL  Even though he has the tag of Player in my blog, I know why he is and I don’t judge on that basis. 

Another side note,  Shopping at Players place a while back, I received a Random IM, It was an Emote… It Used Womanhood.. Really….. Oh my, I asked him,  Is this You? Are U playing With me? 


Your store Partner??


Well I know the store has Lots of Alts running around, Models , customer Service etc… 

I was able to UnEmote the person and they said TY Nini…

I still wonder who would have nerve to send me an emote out of the blue that was there, But then…. Nothing should surprise me anymore. 

Living On the Edge


So here it is a new year, New Possibilities and new options.  I may be a bit of a Narcissist,  I do not really celebrate New years much, it is just another day.  Even if the year continued every day or even just lasted a month, it would not matter much.  I do not do resolutions,  if I do they are easy ones like play more legos, Box more on the Kinect on hard level and well, just exist in my small corner of the internet.   Being an introvert you will not find me club hopping,  I will let the new year come in its peaceful way if possible. 

I have started the year sadly dealing with a few virtual issues… two friends of mine have gone through some type of break up of sorts,  and I am the basically the sounding board.  I feel like my months gone has made me a bit out of touch, with not having any strings to bind me to anyone or thing but regardless they are my friends and I will back them hell or high water.   Funny how we get entangled into things, when the last place you particularly  want to be is in the middle.  Looking back I guess that is where you end up regardless especially when your only side is the one you put yourself with the knowledge you have. 

The good thing about time is it seems to limit the pain in each situation and give you a clearer view.  I can honestly say within the last month I myself had an epiphany of sorts.   I cannot say it was surprising, but it was actually what I needed at the time.  I received an email from someone whom I have had a falling out with.  All in all we are at peace with each other, maybe even call us each others guiding light.  As close as we were once, It is nice to know I have someone who knows me as well as they do in my corner, watching out for my well being, my heart and my happiness. 

If only I could attempt to clear my head out of emotion,  completely,  let my logical side take over, but although I  strive to be a complete mass of logical choices, emotions always seem to get the best of me eventually…

Maybe now is a good time to start back on my Poetry Blog and step away from the bitter relationship roller coaster that I seemed to board unknowingly the last month.  I know when writing poetry I feel a zen, a completion, a  bliss of sorts.

For those out there reading my blog, Be it you’re a subscriber, a friend or  it was passed on, no matter who you are, may this year bring you happiness beyond words can describe. 

Peace Out

January 3, 2012

ACK… That Awkward Moment


You know that moment when you do/Say or are caught doing something in SL that kind of screws up all those RL lies you have been trying to keep to your self.

This blog is about that moment….

On the internet everyone lies a lil, Be it their name, race, age and god forbid their sex…  But hey, It is those streches of truth that make it a safe haven for those who Want to say be a girl, Want to be 21 again or just want to be someone so unlike out RL that it would be impossible.  I highly doubt If I walked around Neko I would have many job offers in RL.

Case 1:  This one is amusing,  I have a friend who lives in New York… Ok, They claimed to live in New York,  We used to chat often, trading good songs on Youtube and such.   They sent me a video one night (When In New York) that said “This video is not available in your country. … Smirks…  Ok, Since when did New York become its own country?  After a few weeks I finally pointed it out, I knew they were from Canada.  They were shocked, but did laugh it off, said they were only protecting their RL identity.  I said that was fine, I did not need to know their RL identity nor would I ever ask for it.  at that point, I continued to receive a few videos “Not available in  your country”   Makes Me laugh every time.

Case 2:  Meeting online your at mercy of what people tell you,  and what you believe.  Well I met someone who told me they were a 23 Year Old college student, who then later I found out was just turning 18,  It was so close to the point of turn that I let it go knowing they would transfer from the teen grid before the account would even be used.  Chatting to another friend maybe a Month ago, Their age was brought Up, they mentioned the persons age, I was shocked, I said NO WAY,  I was under the Impression Er, No I was told… Differently.  So playing truth one day I asked, What year were you really Born… They asked why, Knowing they were caught, almost 5 years later… They were honest though.  I asked, why did you lie to me back then?  they said, you would not have talked to me if you knew the truth.. Point taken and a valid one at that, I would not have…. Now I just shake my head…

Case 3:  Girl Meets Girl, They fall In love and Hard,  Now, I am a third party on this one,  But apparently one girl is a guy,  he feels awful that he cannot talk to his Significant other  but stays on.  They grow closer,  they share passwords and well , apparently he had pictures of himself in his inventory, Ummm, Yeah, I'm not going to go any further on that.  The girl left devastated that he was not a she.  He was devastated because he really cared for this girl, but could never be what she wanted…

Case 4:  Me….When I logged Into SL, I had no need to share my Info, I used a alias to protect me.  One day chatting On voice, I want to say beginning of 2008 just after Voice came out and actually worked, they heard my son.  I could have said, No I'm babysitting yada yada.  I never Lied, I just never told people that I had a lil one.  I fessed up completely said it was the reason I am so paranoid about people finding me, my son is my life.  He is the Best 6 year old super Hero ever and will always remain the reason I wake every morning with a smile.

Is lying illegal?  Only if your in court, Bound by the rules and regulations set forth on you by the state, county or district your in, in real life, well this goes down as well,  You believe what your told (Or not told in some cases)  some of these people had their best intentions fail because of the choice they made others, well they just moved on knowing 1 or two people had found their secret.  I don’t doubt my friend still lives in New York for most of the people they meet, Nor Do I go around telling people I have a child, but any of my close FB friends knows as me and him are plastered all over with smiles. 

Did I judge any of these people after?  Nah, why?  moment has passed, I cannot change a thing, Ok, so one really deserved to be on the teen grid, but did they act as if they were a teen?  No, if they did, I doubt Linden Lab would have made them a Mentor for a few years giving them access to the whole grid including the welcome areas and off limit areas to the rest of the residents in Secondlife.   Did the one guy ever pretend to be a girl again?  I hope not, For all emotional reasons I think the ending pain would have haulted me from falling knowing I was the polar opposite of what they wanted. 

In the end, take what your told for what its worth.. It is and always will be what they WANT you to know, and that is it……

I am who I think I am

January 2, 2012

That gray shaded area……


Hearts never Breakeven

If there is one thing I have learned, there is no one sided relationship.  two people, two different opinions and well two different sides.  

Lets say the girls side it white, cause well I’m a girl and well white seems to be the better color.  We are emotional based beings and we usually put all into something, be it a relationship, a job or a hobby.  We emotionally make choices based upon past decisions and well, how we feel at that moment.  Not always a bad thing but we have our flaws being the feeling of the two sexes.

Men,  they are stuck with black, well it’s the color left and really,  they are darker, We as females may be able to fake an orgasm, but they can fake a whole relationship.  Yeah ok I know that is old but I still love that saying.  Their choices are calculated  more of a lab experiment of sorts. 

They may get caught up in feelings but well, in my opinion being the testosterone of the two sexes I think we as females do work harder and longer at things, as they can be fickle and they change their mind faster than my dog tells me its time to eat. 

So this leads me to believe that my friends break up, although I have only heard one side from limited people, still has 2 sides.  Being their friend, not that I hate or have any ill feelings toward their X, but is it my job to find out that gray shaded area?  I don’t really think that is my place, and nor do I think that she is going to invite me to tea anytime soon with out putting a bit of arsenic in it. 

That damn gray shaded area…  Gawd… He said… She said…  It is a Jumbled mess of But you said that… I told you this…. I Loved you… and well Basically WTF happened……  One of My fav break up songs is Breakeven…  this almost never happens (Breakeven that is)  one is always more hurt,  It is a never ending story of pain , despair and loneliness that winds itself down a long road of recovery.  It is then at that time you look in the mirror and say “You know what, They suck”  that you begin to feel empowered. 

I have been hurt by people, deceived and well, I lost a friend whom after over 2 years, I thought would NEVER hurt or lie to me.   I remember the pit in my stomach, the tears that never seemed to end and the wondering why…. just why would they do it, lie, cheat steal my heart with no regard to how I felt.  Around 8 months later I received a random IM of sorts with a half ass apology… I accepted because by then, I could have cared less,  did I offer friendship, Hell No, Look me up in search…. that is where they can find meh….

So in closing I’m seriously not one to say one side is right or wrong, I know there is two sides to everything.  I see no reason why that gray shaded area has anything to do with me, let alone should I attempt to find out what it is.  I was told what I was told, and being AFK the whole time,  I have to take that as face value. 

For my friend, Once again, I know you probably have not told me everything… Guys have this great way of leaving things out like, Umm Details LOL.  Regardless I see no reason why you would lie to me ether, you have nothing to lose with me, I am and always have been your friend.

For their X,  I do feel for you, I hate the fact that you thought it was forever and had that dream crushed.  I hope that you find a well deserving person in the future, one that shares your future.  I once again have no clue what your side is, but I'm sure your white side of the relationship would make a great shade of gray.

Peace be with all and for those going through a heartbreak, giving up does not always mean your weak, Sometimes it means your strong enough to see the reality and walk away.

January 1, 2012

Happy New Year Avatar!


So my page has been full of a pissing match of sorts.  Amazing how you can get pulled into stuff with nothing to do with it.  I have an opinion, and well, with my blog going a year now, I have never been shy to share it.  Some people are not as controlled as myself,  they write with pure adrenaline and emotion… I am so tempted to share the comment that was posted, But I am trying to keep this person, who feels the need to transfer hate to me, and play the victim of sorts safe from their own doing. 

If you like this song, Your Just Wrong…..

I blocked their IP for a bit, thinking maybe they Needed a break from rereading my blogs over and over again, Just stirring the fire, the hate and the rage. 

Funny thing, a lot of my blogs are about hurt feelings, Being discounted and losing what you wanted….. I seriously doubt they read any of those.  But it is ok, acceptance comes in time,  and honestly I have learned the hard way, time does heal all wounds, and even sometimes you can progress from the healing. 

Have respect for yourself

2010 has had ups and downs like every year.   I am in the very least lucky, and at the very most blessed with  anyone I was able to connect to this year.  It did not come and go without pain, Nah, no year does.  But it is what you do with that pain that has helped me grow as a person.  I did a blog a while back called what A girl wants.  It was quite amusing and stayed as the top read bog for quite a time, It was actually very heart felt in my own sense of humors way.   It was what dudes do wrong in a relationship that piss me off.  I was in a cocky fun mood but wanted to get a point across. I think I did and just before that, I had gone to a very dark place, one of pain, loneliness and despair. 

It was with that I think I grew as a person, I strived to be different.  Ok so I don’t offer  out my emotions as a option on the tray of life often, But I do have them, I just keep them very protected.  Using the L word with me is not going to work after a short time, My age old saying of Action talks, Bull shit walks is more my style.  If you feel the need to say it, make sure the actions behind it apply or you need to move onto the next weaker version of me. 

Imagine No War

Talking to an old  friend the other day was pleasant,  We are friendly now, the occasional  catch up, how are you.  I stated that I was friends with  all of my Xs at this point.  They laughed and said I was the exception, they are not friends with any.  They stated I was different than most, and that I was not basically the exception to the rule, But I was my own rule in itself.   He stated that of all his Xs, even though we did not last (Still Wondering if we were Ever really together so New to SL)  nor did it last long, I was one of the few that made him Nervous with energy.  *Laughs*  I look back at those days In Secondlife as exploring… That is what we did, we grabbed Misc sims and went, we did hunts we worked In clubs and we hung as a group.  

Lastly I stated that it seemed a lot less bullshit back then,  I mean it was a group of maybe 10 of us, all together.  we were like a Lil family who maybe moved out of state, lost touch, and really parted on not bad terms just different interests.  Time has its ways of bringing things back together, Back in a full circle.  2 or 3 of those people have quit SL but I am talking to all that are online now.  If only I had the time to be there and get us all together at the same time.  Soon.

Be strong

The beginning of a new year and taking the old and grabbing the lessons learned, It is allowing the bad to make you stronger and the good to carry with you as a reminder that no matter how bad, meek and desolate it looks, there is another place to be.  Nothing bad happens without a lesson learned, But only if you allow yourself to be open enough to learn that lesson,  I was blessed with someone who taught me this, Not through telling me but through showing me.  I am honored to say he is still my friend to this day and apparently still protective of my heart and soul.  Thank You Jersey….

Be Yourself

In closing, I wish everyone a productive year, May your smiles be catchy  by unsuspecting sadness in another. My your hand be a beacon of hope,  May the offer of a virtual hug be accepted with friendship, love and care and may each decision you make renew your  drive to be a better person this year and always

Ok, I need to go Beat on My XBox again….  a Lil Kinect boxing is calling..  Hugs!