Casualties of Life

 

We all have a catastrophe  of sorts, For some it is the Inevitable Bad hair bad, Others waking up WAY after the alarm, and others,  Well Everyday just making it work.

We all have our demons, it is how we handle our selves in the moment that count.  Standing in line you are running late for work and the 3 people in front of you are the enemy in line… Right?  Gah I HATE that,  But I also know No ones life revolves around me ether.  Except for my sons, Or is that the other way around?  Anyway,  you getting up late may be a small piece crap compared to the lady 2 people ahead of you counting her change to get gas because her mom is in the hospital, Or the guy right in front of you who has been out of work for a year and praying he makes it to the interview of a minimums wage job on time.  As you toss your money at the attendant, who has 3 kids, used to be a white collar worker but choose to work at minimum wage than let his family suffer, You are your own enemy.   Pushing open the door you pass a girl, who is obviously having a good hair day,  To bad you did not realize she is heading to a funeral for her best friend, who committed suicide over a failed marriage and to trump that, she was pregnant also.  Yes, you are your own black cloud. 

Shoving the pump into your tank,  Your foot tapping, a older man passes you, smiles and continues to walk, you manage a half ass smile watching the gallons fill the tank slowly,  Why is he so happy?  He is in his own way celebrating his anniversary, with his wife today where she is, the cemetery. 

We really should all have tag Lines

“Lost My Mom today”

“Just had my heart broke by someone whom I trusted”

“Lost my dog”

“Struggling to support my family/children”

“Just needs someone to listen”

“Could really Use a Hug”

“Wishes I could tell someone how I really Feel”

“Believes in angels but is missing mine”

Why are we so Engulfed in our own bullshit and are completely unaware there is a world of people out there that need even just a small moment, a smile, just help.

I remember being at a gas station, a woman was getting gas a few years back,  She was upset, I am not sure why, I have no clue really.  I had never seen her, Nor have I since, But the moment I passed by her, handed her a Gas station rose and a snicker bar the look on her face was Priceless.  Thinking about it now makes me smile, because I know that One small gesture meant the world to her.  Ok she was heaving as she pumped her gas it was apparent, But a lot of us don’t show what we are Really feeling, we harbor and hide it, I know most men will do hand stands before showing any emotion, especially if it cues in the word Weak…

Next time you get up, your late, Tank is on E and your just having a “Bad” day, STOP.. Look in the mirror for 30 Seconds and tell your self how lucky you are to have a reason to be up at that Hour, that you have a car to drive to work, and the fact that your life in comparison even on a curve is not that hella Bad.

True Love

 

In the darkness of the night is when those with heavy hearts, with regrets with a lost passion find the moments unbearable.  We lay listless,and with to many thoughts in our head, as if there is a hamster on speed running and running over and over again but getting nowhere.  We pick moments apart, wonder why, where it could have changed and how it can be fixed.  But sometimes it is not that it is broken, it is just that we are hurt.  Time is both a blessing and a curse at this moment, For time rushes for no one, but in time our thoughts will dwindle to concentrate on other things. 

Once in a while a glimmer of hope may happen, but not always does it pay off, Sometimes it becomes the old standby of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.  We must accept defeat at some point, but only  after we have done every thing in our power to rectify the situation within our grasp.  On the other hand, you cannot force another to do the same. 

While truly loving someone enough to let go, One must also accept that when you do care about someone, it is Not the reciprocal that matters, It is in the others happiness that matters.  In that is where the demons of the night sneak in, because at this time is when your alone, and even if it is a warm summers night, Our heart feels cold and empty at times.  We must let our delusion of Grandeur go, Our hopes for future smiles,  our thoughts of one more hug, Kiss or chance. 

It is not always easy but it is the right choice, and let their happiness continue on, with or without you.  It seems bleak, yes, But once again, as much as those hours seem to go slowly in the night, It is in time that we will see a difference, and rejoice in their smiles, even if from afar.  It is smiling at their successes,  Believing in them, even when they do not believe in themselves, It is keeping them in your heart, even if you are not in theirs.

True love is not always a love story or a romance novel, it is sometimes more like a comic book or a old war movie.  There is No rights or wrongs in love, for love overcomes all, even in the moments where you are sure there is no hope, your heart will carry out your wishes, your hopes and dreams for them. 

In my small years of living, there is one thing I am sure of, it is that when those moments of sleeplessness hit, When I am playing it out in my mind, when I am reaching for answers in a star filled night, it is then, My heart has decided to carry on, with them, even if they do not know. 

True love is not a word, it is an action, and expression and the one thing you cannot part with, for it is embedded in your heart and soul.

Someday

 

I will let you go, I will let you carry on your life,

I will cope with my own,  deal with my own strife,

Hopes and dreams crushed, Tossed along the way

Past memories left in snapshots, no words left to say

Cold shoulders, empty rooms, all part of the plan,

silent regrets, miscommunications, but nothing to understand

Whispers in the night, Call out in the darkness inside,

Head against pillow, No one to confide,  it was then I cried,

I cried for yesterday, and then again for the day after,

My head filled with sorrow, missing the smiles and Laughter,

It is only the hope that one day, Someday it will pass,

Like the the sand slipping through the pinpoint, of an hourglass

 

Really Rob Thomas says it better

Loves Defeat

 

Sometime the words, They don’t come out the way they should,

You hide from rejection, Not do things you usually would,

Funny no one wants to get hurt, but we all seem to fall,

We seem to grab a hold of them, and for that moment stand tall,

Cautious and calculated we walk, we plan out tomorrow,

all the while hoping, that it does not fall and cause us sorrow,

I guess some things take time, takes time to share and believe,

Get past the second guessing, the constant Fear of being deceived,

I am not one to tread fast, I am not one to push the bar,

I would rather walk away, than to allow myself to get to far,

So once the words feel right, and once it seems to fit in so sweet,

We may say them in a jumbled mess, accepting loves defeat,

Grabbing for hope, and hoping for them to concede,

Letting out how they may have felt, it is that I Believe,

is the moment of truth, between two lost hearts,

The acceptance of the feeling, and never wanting to be apart.

Heart Strings

 

So its been a while since I really wrote a heart felt blog.  I read one today, It was a masterpiece, well written and complimented the authors skills more than I can describe in one sentence.  Most of my writing is pretty playful, Not very deep, an easy read, Whereas my poetry is a bit emo at times and tears at your heart strings, a bit dark and depressing.   My topic today is my social standing, My inability to connect and my guard against any and all emotional ties which may bind me.  The invisible ones you get to another, the ones that make your heart leap when you see them, the smiles that rest upon your face, the fleeting moments of happiness when they enter your thoughts.

We have all had a moment of weakness, where at that moment all we want is for happiness of another, even if it means letting them go.  It is called sanity, or maybe reality… it could be both.  I have a hard time letting myself fall, I fear disappointment, and I run.  maybe not physically, but emotionally I do.  I get quiet, reserved and distant.  I have to feel the other person out, figuratively speaking,  See what they want, need, feel and see, make sure I am  who can fulfill those needs, if my wall is already up, the let down does not hurt half as bad.  Disappointment is something we all have to conqour at some point or another, it is the levels of the pain that differs emotionally. 

Someone told me the other day “Maybe you feel this way because we have not talked as much”.  I replied no, It has nothing to do with the amount of conversation, It has to do with the connection,  the state of relaxation, the whole package.  If for whatever reason If feel as if my heart is in jeopardy  at any point, It will close, I will be there but emotionally untied.  I have no issues with accepting defeat, but to aid my own sanity, I will lesson the blow at all costs before the ax comes down.  They proceeded to say “what if my foot is in the door and you cannot close it”?  That is highly doubtful.  At this point and time, I have already shut the door before you even knew there was one,  In order for it to open again, to regain the trust, the  calmness, the ease that was once there will now be tiwce as hard.  It is simple really.  At least to me. 

Another friend asked me why I was single, since it simply HAD to be my choice. *Smiles* Well I guess it is, because when you have had a very good relationship before to compare the others to, if your not on your best game, all the others fall to the side.  I don’t waste my  time on promises in the dark, Shadows in the corner and whispers in the night.  I will in fact give one hun if it is returned. 

I was in a long term relationship with someone, who no one understood why, it was hard on me, since a lot of people did not see what I saw in him.  They classified him as arrogant, odd, and well other things I would rather not say.  Although we were polar opposites we both tried putting one hundred in, even though it was an Epic fail it was a lesson learned, and I grew from knowing him. On occasion when I see things he gave me, I smile now, because I know I am who I am because of what we shared.  He will always be my past, and I will hold onto that, for it was a lesson I will never quite forget.

Then there is the new people, those that waltz in,  see me and think, Oh, she is an easy catch.  Most leave before they even get to know my favorite songs, hear any funny stories or learn I am more than blonde hair with god given breasts that most people pay for.  I have a secret, Taught to me by a mentioned above,  Logic wins over emotions any day.  Logically if you do not deserve to have my heart, you do not get it.  It is not set out to take,  love is earned, it is a mutual respect and it is something that should be shared, but only in a perfect world.  Have I loved someone that did not love me?  Yes, I have, as we all have.  Those feelings are true, just as much as if it was shared, but let us not debate the fact, that one=sided love is a waste of time if it is not going to be reciprocated.  No emotion you feel is wrong, and every feeling we have is a blessing of some sorts, even pain,  without pain we would not appreciate the happiness once we find it.

In closing, all I am trying to say Is, I may stand cold, sound callous seem to be distant, but the fact is, I am my poetry, every written word, it is my thought's, my feelings and dreams.  It may be about a song, a person, a fleeting glimpse of reality or just my state of mind for that 20 minutes.   If those that had already been allowed into my heart, knew they would lose it, would they have even tried to get in?   I think most are in for the moment,  the race of energy, the benefits and the quest so to speak.  Others, well maybe they are here to say, only time will tell.   I believe in redemption, and I believe in people, I think there is good in all of us,  we just have to believe in ourselves first before we can help others.  So this is my heart,  Please handle with care.

The Redundancy of Relationships

 

Here I go again,  back on the relationship  Shout out… I get pulled Into this shit I swear.    I am not sure why I am writing this, If it is for myself or for someone else, But its my blog so If you don’t like it, Press the pretty Red X at the top right and call it a day.

I Wrote one a while ago called “What a girl wants” which entailed expectations of myself, and probably most people of any sex, the basis of it was respect with the bullets of the normal things our Significant others trend to screw up on. Seriously, My last boyfriend was a culprit of all but 1 or 2, He was my inspiration, But it all fairness, He is not a bad guy, just a bad boyfriend. 

Here is where I did not clarify the steps – Where does it begin, I mean this is not something You slip Into and wake up and say Oh Shit I have a boyfriend, but then for some, a few to many and yea, it happens in the moment of stupidity when our beer/whiskey/margarita glasses are on. 

The Beginning

Really it all starts with communication, something that usually loses it luster in time, But communication and  attraction,. if one is lacking then a friendship entails.  Sometimes you are friends and something happens, maybe  one starts to like the other and then more time is spent together and a bond grows,  but Undoubtedly attraction and communication have to take place and this is where honesty is key, If you pretend to be someone your not, there is going to be hell to pay down the road.

Jane meets Jim, Jim is wearing a NY Yankees Jersey, they strike up a conversation, Jane tells Jim how much she LOVES baseball, their first date is a game, their 3rd date is a game, 2 years later Jane wants to cry because she is now engaged and her wedding gift from her husband is season tickets to every game, Jane despises every sport out there Including arguing, So Jane is stuck in baseball hell or she has to tell Jim she has been lying for the last 2 years about loving the sport

Be Honest People, If Jane would have thought this out, maybe she could have said, I have never been to a game, but maybe you could teach me about it, and go from there, Now if he can fall for her during this process and she still hates it, she is better off, maybe she can buy him the tickets for a wedding gift for him and HIS friends to go…. Huge Difference!

So lying is bad, we all learned this In elementary school and at home, it is not something that should be part of the relationship cycle although More Common that not.

Senrario 2 – This is a personal one for me, I am to honest for my own good. Chatting about  the state fair, I said me and my best friend go every year.. He said he was going on Saturday to, so as the day drew nearer, I had to fess Up I had no clue what was there,  let alone where it was.  I finally said she had to back out, and that I was not able to go, he then said his friend was not ether, and why don’t we go together.  It ended up being the best date ever, I got the Biggest Bear at the game booths we hit the bar after and I would say 4 months into the relationship it was common knowledge we got together on both of us telling a white Lie, BUT we were both smart enough to not keep up the lie, that is small, Not life changing, it was the state fair, I mean really, how many games are in a season of baseball….. Umm, I don’t mind an occasional game, but I am not painting my face and going ape shit over a white ball going 60 MPH toward a dude In a Leather glove.  Now if you like Hockey, That is a sport with balls… Ha Ha.

Bottom Line don’t sugar coat yourself – no one is perfect, and really if they cannot like you for who you are, the curb is an appropriate place to leave them, If your generous, give them fare for a cab on their way out.

The stupid stage

All people that are at the beginning have this stage – it is the Lovey dovey sick stage where your friends want you to just get a room or talk in sign language so they don’t have to hear ll the Mushy crap, we all like being loved, and we all think its going to last forever, Right?  Did you ever fall for someone thinking, Ok he will be an asshole in 3 months, so I should start looking for someone else now?  No that is not our thinking, But what we do like is the assumption that they are there for just us, and that we are their world, I say assumption because unless this has been stated we are taking it on ourselves to fill in the blanks.  it is after the stupid stage that you find out what really makes them tick.

The Beginning Of the end of the rest of your life

After the Pretty wears Off, all that is left is you, and them,  if the bull shit out weighs the real you, you might as well of not hit the stupid stage, it was time wasted, it was pretty much all for show and the only things that get Prizes for show are Dogs and Horses… Last I looked I was not one of them.

The key to figuring out if your compatible is Logic, well If Logic agrees with your emotions,  Logically do you fit? this is not a Disney movie, he is not going to whisk you away on a horse,  there is going to be No horse drawn carriage, just him, sitting around in his sweats, On the couch asking you what's for lunch… Is this logical for you?  Did You want to spend every minute with him, and he you? Is there an emotional bond besides the one you two found at that hotel last spring and try to reinvent every other day?

The trouble with Men

They have no clue WHAT they want, No that is not true, they want the bakery most of the time, Why get a Cream Puff every day when there is so many Yummy things to try, even if the cream puff is their favorite  and they always go back to it eventually, they want to try them all out before making that call.

For gods sake Let them, and if they lose you to their own sweet tooth, their lose, I mean really are you that small, worth that little that you are going to pine over some guy walking around with a donut one day and a Muffin (top) the next.  If you were to push him at this point he is ether A going to run, or B going to cheat and not feel guilty because , well he was pushed into the relationship so, it is not his fault he wants to try that New flavor in the window….. Let him have his fun and when the one good thing he had is happy with someone else, Well goes down to his lose and maybe he will learn next time.

Don’t think this only goes for guys, this is for the girls to, But we use our emotions to rule or destiny, allowing for an extreme judgmental error which will occur numerous times in our lifetime.  If we Love him, that is the end all Be all of it, no one else is good enough,  Take a step back, see other people, have fun, learn about them give them a chance to get to know you.  He may be your happiness when Mr. Perfect has not made up their mind.

The Bitter Truth with a Cherry On top

Scenario

Jim and Jane again –Eh easy names to use -  Jim likes Jane a lot, but is not Sure, Jane likes Jim, and wants to be with him but did not push because well, She thought it out, and knew better than to lead that horse to water……smart girl.

Now the ball is in Jims park, he will be making the calls on this game, But that does not stop Jane from still wanting him, It just gives her extra time to find someone else she likes better, Yes, Guys do not think about that, Ha ha, But it is true, Jane can go out, have fun, Meet people, hang with the girls and screw around all she wants, Even do things Jim would be shocked at, BUT she is using Logic, If he cannot commit, You must acquit.  Jim if he is the right guy for her will hopefully figure out his needs before she figures out there is better, It is a balancing act really.  In the perfect scenario, Jim figures out the others are just a Filler and she is the one, the bottom Line the end all be all of his Ying and yang, they live happily ever after

If not, Jane has met new people, made new contacts, and hopefully after a night or 2 of eating ice cream and watching cheesy 80s movies is back out there and once again having fun,

Love sucks since there is not rules, and when there is rules applied to love it must be equal – what's that saying, what's good for the goose is good for the gander? still holds true today.

 

Peace Out – For now …………….