About 45 Days ago I received a call from my sister, My mom, on one of her MANY doctors trips had finally received test results back, and what we did not want to hear was, Yes, It was that C word No one wants to use. I seemed lost, and Needed someone to talk to, My sister and I shed tears, I threw myself online to try to mask the thoughts, and maybe find something to take my mind off the fact that this had happened, I Googled the prospects, the Percentages, the Process.
Now, I not one to cry on peoples shoulders, I am not one to be the downer In the crowd so I kept to myself, I stayed quiet talking to very few People. I was such a shell, basically a vessel that held my heart that was breaking, thinking about the outcome, the Past, the Present situation and what needed to be done before an untimely moment came where there was No more time to be taken.
I Not only had that On the Horizon, But I was having a few Personal relationship Issues at the same time., Nothing that could not have been ultimately fixed, But this time, In my mind, I am thinking about My Mom, and how she sees what was happening, Not just me. Almost as an out of body thing watching as it was happening and her voice saying “Are you going to let him talk to you like that, say those things about you?”, “Honey, I Love you, but if you allow this to continue, you do not love yourself” and the Hook “Do you remember what your father was Like”
The correct answer to the last is No, She forgets he left when I was 2, so I am pretty clueless as far as “How he was” But I did know when I was craving, Yearning and Pleading him for some type of relationship, I received a cold shoulder. He was in all ways comprehendible a failed Father, the word DAD is reserved for those that were around and at least made an attempt.
So back to Mom, She has had to stay away from pretty much everyone Including her grandson since her white blood cell count is so low and even a cold will send her to the hospital. She gets tired often and need reminders for a lot of things, But so far we are just waiting for the last test to come back to find out which strain of cancer. I cannot help but to Look back at all the decisions I made that she wanted to hit me Upside the head for and others that she was Pleasantly surprised. funny how over the years we are always out to Free ourselves of our parents, but really we are always no matter what ether
A. trying to prove them wrong
B making decisions with their guidance in hopes that it is right even though you really want to do A
My mother has lived a good Life, Raised 3 good kids, We are all Self supporting, We are all not total twits, so somewhere she gained wisdom, some that apparently is grown over time. My time has not come yet but the need for the Knowledge is in my face, front and center. One day I went over without my germ infested son and we talked, about everything, anything that may mean everything and even a few things that I will Never need.. I explained the situation, tears running down my face, Lost in a hurricane of Hurt, Anger and Pure rage. She gave me these things to think about for any situation I find myself in.
1 Would My grandpa approve of the circumstances and how it was dealt with
Now my grandpa was an upstanding man, He was the royalty of the family and he treated my grandma with kid gloves and never let a day go by that she was not pampered or protected.. She had a secret I found out many years later, She never graduated from school, she had been a very sickly child and was married at a young age\. and through all those years, Her and my grandpa were full throttle in love, When he passed away, part of my grandma did to. I miss them both a lot
2 Are you trusting your heart, your head or are you a basket case?
Ok, I was a basket case, I had emotions up to the tilt, I was a raging water fall of Hurt, Hatred, Anger, Disrespect and a few other things I cannot even get into. She knew this, I don’t cry often, I am a hard shell to crack, my son who is my world, when born, hit me like a hurricane. I did not cry. I am just that cold when it comes to feeling things, Movies, Eh I am not going to cry. I have built up this rough exterior, over years of hurt, pain and lies. When I can add another brick, I do, when I take away a Brick, the inside of me shutters a bit. BUT she reminded me, that looking at it with logic and a true heart is the only way to make decisions, for yourself, and I love logic, it is so simple The bad thing is 1+1 does not always equal 2, there is a hidden equation in everything, a few calculus problems and geometry. This time I was fucked, I did not take calculus, why could it not have been accounting.
3 Treat everyone as you want to be treated
Yea this is the old standby one ALL parents share – but she went a bit deeper, she said “Treat everyone BETTER than you want to be treated, because they will always remember you with a fond heart” I go by rule of thumb on this one, I try to be kind to everyone, I am not a saint, but I have been known to do charity at times. I Love making people laugh, But it is usually people I know, since I am a pretty quiet person to begin with. I am in a complete definition an Introverted extrovert, if you don’t talk to me, chances are we will never meet, and yes this limits my friends list down, I lose many opportunities due to this defect in my personality, but that is my issue not theirs and I'm not changing anytime soon.
now to make this clear, I told my mom what was going on with me and my boyfriend, she is a retired school teacher, taught Science, math and Home Economics. My sperm donor left when I was 2 (an engineer for the Big 3) He was Mentally Physically, and Emotionally abusive to everyone in the house, I was pretty blessed when he left. I remind my mother that if he was still around as I grew up, One of us would have been in Jail or the graveyard, I had gotten his ability to man up and not be scared (My exterior) with her laid back Pool of emotions (what I hide Inside) My father is defiantly my Alpha, but I use my feelings to make judgment's on logic, does that even make sense?
First I analyze the data, this comes from historical evidence (past and present) common denominators (Patterns, changes in patterns) Actions (Or lack there of actions) and then finally what is actually occurring, the obvious Issue. If you take all of it into consideration, and only use logic to see what the bottom line is, You have a solid base to start from. Once I have that base, I let my beta side squeeze in. those damn feelings, from here it is Who is going to get hurt, Was it an action that I or they did intentionally, who needs to fix this, and finally what is best for me. Now the funny thing here is the person closest to me, My boyfriend, Has no clue I am dealing with my mom and cancer, Usually he knows me enough to ask what is wrong, But he has not even been talking to me, so for me, Logic states your alone, Get even quieter, close up all feelings, Feelings are screaming, We want out, we need help, but Shush you little beta, Alpha kicks betas ass.
The last thing my mom told me, before I left her that day was “Connie, You are a good person, You give 1 hundred percent to everything you do, to everyone you know and you expect nothing back. When are you going to believe you deserve just as much back as you give” She of all people knows me better than anyone else – She raised me on her own, Played father and mother. a recovering alcoholic, who has raised me and also my 2 siblings who are close to 20 years my senior. She was a full time teacher, and tried her best to never say a bad word about my sperm donor, Who really did not need any words, actions speak louder than them any day.
So, the final outcome of this, I am happy to say, Logically I made the right choice, My boyfriend who had pretty much deserted me in the end, then compiled it by calling me names and posting numerous page essays on his Facebook page as to why I was such a horrible person, Is without me now, I would say alone, But I highly doubt that, Logically there was no words to change his mind as to his actions, so I had to step away. His last post basically stated if I do not concede to his beliefs on this subject, to stay the fuck away from him and he did not want me in his life, and I did, I have stayed away from him, No name calling, No FB Posting, no calling him out, No Interference with his apparently perfect life without me. . He had broke through my wall, and knew I am run on feelings with him, and that it is hard for me to let go. I am not saying it was easy, It wasn’t but it was the only way I could get away from the negativity. As laid back as he was, he has to have perfection, and there for I was always under scrutiny. If I was a bit emotional, it was out of me being needy or Leachy. If I said anything about him doing anything that may have hurt me, I was the one being unreasonable. and on the other hand if I did not say I Love you enough, I was cold, But Umm, I learned from him how to be that way, maybe not him, but from this guy who like him, was a very important role model, one I should have called Dad. I can see now if we would have stayed together, with my emotional attachment, it would have been a total failure, nether of us was willing to change, and I for one am not going to walk into an abusive relationship knowing full well the outcome. it starts with tempers and escalates into actions. Let me also say, He is not a total asshole, he has his good qualities, he can be very amusing and charming, He is smart about many things, But his Drive to succeed is not on the top of his list ether. I will miss him, us, We did have a lot of good times, but, My alpha and his Beta do not match well. and logically that is okay
My mom, well she is comfortable, and we are still waiting on the results on what treatment she is going to have to get, I have high hopes for a full remission, and the doctors do to. . As it is right now, we are looking at approximately 80% success rate if the tests come back the way we hope them to My son misses his “Memaw” and wants her better so we can have her over “for a week” he says to make up for lost time. She is proud of me, she knows I got the strengths of both my father and her, and I can at times Let feelings cloud my judgment. Like her, I will become a victim if I were to let this happen, The key to not becoming a victim is leaving before you become one. So if there is anything you need to know about me it is this, I don’t back down after a certain point and if you cannot accept defeat on occasion, let me go. I feel for his friends and family who read his ranting's on facebook, and I am sure they were not shocked that the relationship status changed so soon after.
My Upside in this whole Fiasco, is Understanding, I am not hurt anymore, I am not bitter, actually I would go back and try to save the friendship, But I know how he feels about X’s. I miss his logic, which usually made perfect sense, till the very end. His lack of common courtesy killed the logic. I wish us both the very best, and I hope one day he knows how hard it was for me to walk away, I stayed quiet, Very Unlike me, Funny thing is I did not even have a last word. He was one of few who broke through and made me feel, Feel things I don’t allow normally. I locked back up that vault, and have started Over, Working at a new job, spending time with my son , who just brought me a Jelly sandwich and an orange, Because He Loves me and I always make him food. I am blessed in so many ways, and I am going to go enjoy my Jelly sandwich now, because it has my favorite ingredient in it, It was made with “Love”.
This Blog has taken a turn It is no longer Just Second life stuff, My poetry and RL are also important to me, When I have Second life stuff, Ill add a SL tag to it. Much hugs and Love to all, and those going through the process of a loved one dealing with cancer, You are in my prayers.
